Alright, bring it on, new years!

I'm still going to be one of those cliche people. Lose weight for new years. Am I going to put an amount on it? No. I'm not going to try to quantify getting healthy. My goal is still get to around 150. But you know, if I get down to 155 by summer, I'm not really going to pitch a fit. Or rather, I hope I'm not going to pitch a fit. That would be unfortunate and juvenile.

Finally had a sit down talk with mom and she now (I hope) understands that she can't keep offering me bagels and cream cheese, pasta alfredo, pieces of pie. Not to say that I don't enjoy such amazing things, but come January first, I'm eating better. I've threatened it before, but I'm going on the "things that grow" diet. Carrots and almonds as snacks, lean chicken seasoned with salt and pepper. No more soy sauce, cheese, white bread and other processed junk foods.

I know I've threatened this before, and I know a lot of people say that it doesn't really work. Well, let me tell you guys something...for me, it does. I eat cleaner and it's hard as BALLS the first two weeks, but then it gets easier. My body appreciates it. I appreciate it. I sleep better. I feel better and damn do I look better.

...sadly, this also means no alcohol or liquor until things kick back up. GoodBYE tolerance. //sigh//

Also, I'm going to try to start having weekly weigh-ins. I'm also debating getting a pedometer. Once I figure out how much I walk on average in a normal day, I'm going to start making goals for myself that every day I have to walk more than the day before. I think this might be a fun "game" I can play with myself. The thought is, even if I'm just pacing during commercials, that's better than sitting on the couch, right?

Jill's gonna take me to Earth Fare for sure now, so I'm super excited. Let's please get this on track. Even if I'm back to my starting weight of 180 (please God let's hope not!) I can theoretically do 8-10lbs a month. So if I keep at it, in three months I can be where I want to be. Hamilton did it. Now I need to just find the intrinsic motivation for me to do it, too.

I heart my trainer. I sent him a text saying:

"Evan I miss you and your yelling at me! All these people do is make me fat." (T9 should have said eat instead of fat...oh well, same thing)

He emails me back with:

Hey! I don't yell at you btw. lol! Anyway...cardio is really all you need to worry about. So you've been doing well in that regard. Its actually a good idea to give your body a break from resistance training at least 2-4 weeks out of the year anyway trust me. But...I would like you to take the time out to do sets of Squats(Frog Squats-wide stance) and bicycles until you get back. Lets go for 5 sets of 20 for the squats and 5 of 1:00 for the bicycles every other day until you get back. Literally should take you all of 20 mins. Start tomorrow. See ya when you get back!

I really don't like the holidays. Well, okay, I do like the holidays because it's a break, I'm not held accountable with school and work and the like. But it's a catch 22 because all I seem to do is eat. And even if I'm being good and trying to stay away from the food, people seem for whatever reason to ask me if I want to continue eating. Oh, would you like some _________? Can I get you more of __________.

No thanks, Grandma. I'm fine on the pie/cookies/candy/etc. Really, I promise.

I'm ready for the school year to start. I want to get back on track. I want to be one of those girls again that holds myself accountable. I really need to find someone that will ride my ass about going to the gym and getting in my cardio. Cheerleaders are fantastic, but sometimes I need that person to call me out. "Hey, you ate like a cow yesterday. Go to the gym. Yes, I know you hate me right now, but you'll feel better afterwards."

I'll admit, while a lot of this weight loss/health change was because I wanted to do it for myself, somewhere deep down too I think I was doing it to prove to people like Daniel and Ryan and Josh and Paul and ANYone else that has found my expendable that I still have something worth being on the market. Even if they don't like me, even if they've sort of used me up, chewed me up and spit me back out, I still have something to walk down the street and be confident about. I want that confidence in myself and how I look. I want people to do a double take so I can feel like I've actually ACCOMPLISHED something. I've never been the whistled at kind of girl. I want to be that girl -- and I want people to realize that I'm something worth regretting -- both in personality AND looks.

I know that's a tough order to fill. I know it sounds like I'm looking for some guy to validate that I look good (enter tongue click, wink and head nod here), but in my mind while they may be connected, they're not synonymous. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else. I want to feel comfortable in my skin, and I still don't. When I felt the best weight wise? When I was in and out of counseling, stressed, depressed and not eating. I was 155ish. Now, I want to get to that weight again, but I do NOT want to get there in the same fashion. I can't do that to myself and I'm convinced that's part of why I gained weight senior year so quickly and easily.

It's hard not to get discouraged when I see people like my grand-big, Hamilton that can be so "christian-like" about what they eat and get AMAZING results. But being in school...being a student doesn't so much allow for that ease. My apartment is dark and I live alone and it's easy as all get out to just make macaroni and cheese instead of a salad.

Come new years I'm going to need a lot of help. A. LOT. If anyone can find easy (CHEAP recipes) for college kids, feel free to pass them along. I'm gonna go to Earth Fare when I'm back in Auburn and stock up on the fresh stuff (maybe I'll start scheduling a weekly grocery trip instead of "one and done" for the month), and I've talked to Jill about trying to do a juicing diet for a few days to do a detox of all the nasty nasties in my body.

A few years ago for Lent I only ate things that were growing -- fresh veggies, whole wheat if I had bread, if it was meat it was pan seared and that's it. I lost 10-15lbs in 40 days. I think I can do it again, if I have people giving me tough love.

At least, through all this eating, I still went to the gym and ran/walked for 30 minutes/2+ miles. With a cold. I should have done more, but at least it's not doing nothing.

Also, I bought a jumprope.

//sigh//

I can't begin to explain how discouraged I am right now.

Also also ALSO:

I cannot WAIT 'til I get good enough for this madness. BRING.IT.ON!

This is not the Nat, but it is equally as fun to watch. Maybe someday. :)

Cousin's taking me to the gym tomorrow. :D Yes free guest passes. :D

On another note, I'm gonna get serious eating wise when I get back to Auburn. I can say this, because I'm gonna have to COMPLETELY restock the fridge with food. I'm also gonna plan on when I'm eating (dinner will have to start being around 430 or so since class is from 5-8 and I don't want to eat AFTER that) and start being crazy with portion control. For example, baby carrots and almonds for a snack. No more sweet tea but for treats, no more chocolate, weeding out sugar in general...as well as weeding out bread. It's gonna be super tough, but I've still got Kris as a workout buddy, and Jill, and Lucy. And now Katie, too. :)

The goal is still down 20+ pounds by summer. But I would prefer to have it done sooner. At least 10+ by spring break. I have no idea what I weigh right now, but it's Christmas and frankly, it's probably a good idea I don't know.

I wish I had more self control like Hamilton. 70% of my issues are eating.

Also, I've added a new goal: I want to be able to run. I mean, okay, I can run physically, but even though I hate to actually do the physical aspect of running, I always wanted to be considered a runner. Odd, right? So I wanna be a "runner" by this summer. At least be in good enough shape that when the guys want me to play ultimate frisbee at camp I'm not wheezing.

Speaking of which, I should find people that want to play with me. Maybe Thursday pick up games with the girls in the program? Hmmm.

Also also, found this girl on tumblr that -- albiet -- is a whole lot skinner than me and she continues to drop, she's not starving herself and she's losing weight the healthy way. It's nice to read someone else's "bootcamp" blog. Makes me feel less alone in the world. :)

http://skinnystrong.tumblr.com/

Not losing weight is obnoxious.

Got my kayak todaaaaaay! Totally bummed that the first day of classes for it though will be pushed bak because of the national championship game. Wha. So, even though it's going to be a 8am on monday, I'm really excited.

It might be a little bit of a tmi, but I feel like I've lost weight...and then I change into clothes for the day. Things just don't fit like I want them too. I don't feel like I have massively huge thighs until I put on my workout/yoga pants. Not helpful when I saw that's what I really want to work on and my mom says "Good luck. That's genetics." Well, geeze Mom. Why even try if they're just always gonna be fat?

So I think I'm going have Monday and Wednesday next semester be abs and back day. (Monday will also be swimming cardio). Tuesday will be working out with Evan still, as well as the thursday/friday when I see him. Then the Wednesday + free day will be legs. Cardio every day, obviously.

I NEED to shed these last 20lbs or so. I'm so tired of being fat. Wha.

On a separate note, it's shark week and I want sweets sweets sweets. And to just eat. All the time. But I got off the couch and went to zumba today. My abs/core got quite the workout. Maybe I should take up salsa. Whoa nelly.

Went to the gym today. Found a new favorite machine that's a blend of elliptical and stair master. And it had a TV. So of course I trucked it out to NCIS. Geebus, I love that show. Abby's my favorite, followed closely by Tony. Hearts.

Anyway, this was after the bike.

I don't feel like I'm losing any weight, and with the food that I'm having while at home, I'm hoping that my trips to the gym are more maintaining than losing. I fully intend that once I return to school and have to start buying my own food again that pounds will become more hardcore.

I've also considered trying to find a part time job on top of my GTA. I mention this here because if I'm always super busy, then it will leave me less time to veg on the couch and eat bon bons all day (figuratively, since I don't think I've ever actually had a bon bon).

I want to eat my feelings. Even more so, I don' want to try to work out anymore. I just want to be thin. And just...ugh.

Quick post since there's nothing substantial.

Been eating like crap. Part of that's been because I've been traveling from Auburn to Clemson to Newberry to Clemson to Greenville to Charlotte (woof, what an interesting way home) and I've been too lazy to make myself food. In the few days I've been home though, I'm doing better. Working on getting to the gym -- was there the other day and walked/ran for an hour at least -- and I made a commitment to get myself into skinny jeans by spring break 2011. I'm so close to the 160s again it's crazy. Even if it's 169, somehow that makes me feel so much better than 170.

Also, I bought a Jillian Michael's DVD. She's the trainer from the biggest loser, if you don't know. I bought her 30 Day Shred which, let me say, after doing ONE work out on level one, I can see why it can be a doozy. Biggest thing though, is any work out will get you results...if you stick with it. My thought is to have this on standby for days where it's just too effin' cold to go outside, the gym is already closed and/or when I go up to Michigan. If it's 20 degrees here, it's gonna be even worse up north. Brrrr.

Didn't bring my scale home on break on purpose, though part of me still wishes I had. I kinda use it as a sort of keep me honest scale. But I also don't want to be one of those girls that's obsessed with the number, either. (Even though, to me, that number is incredibly important.)

Saw Ryan and he's dropping pounds like it's his job. Ugh. I need to do better. Damn guys ability to lose weight faster/better/whatever. CURSES.

I will be smaller by summer. I'm tired of being/feeling fat. I feel like at this point it doesn't even show. Lately I've felt bloated and nasty and just...large. Double chin, go away.

Addendum: Crappy phone camera, but I think I can see some waist slimming here. Could just be the shirt, angle, ect. //shrug//

WTF body. I'm down like, 4 pounds in 24 hours?

...stress diet much?

Ellipticalled it up tonight at the gym. 50 minutes, 450+ calories. Not too shabby.

Evan's got me working out with one of his clients now. Well, I text her and we meet up to do cardio together since we're both lazy. The thought is that we'll make each other more accountable. Tonight was the first time we met up. Next semester my school schedule and her work schedule are gonna make it easier for two a days. I have kayaking (SO EXCITED) Monday's at 8am (SO NOT EXCITED) but all my other actual classes aren't until 5pm-8pm. Sooo, late night gyming after everyone else leaves? Yes please.

Weight's going back up. Saw 174.8 today and almost cried. But it is exams AND after thanksgiving, so I give myself a smidge of leeway. But only a smidge. Slippery slope. Thank goodness mom renewed the Y membership. That place will be my home come break.

My goal for myself is to feel comfortable enough with my body and weight by spring break to purchase my FIRST pair of skinny jeans. I'm excited. A lot of work needed on my thighs, but I have the drive. I think.

HERE WE GO! KICK IT INTO OVERDRIVE!