I realized today when Evan was making me do leg lifts that the back of my thighs are friggin' ROCKS. My inner/outer thighs still need a lot of work, but what used to be an all over jiggle is now a selective jiggle.

Still kinda frustrated and waiting to see some changes other than that. But I'm upping my cardio a lot (if only it weren't so BORING), so we'll see. Plus Dauge was awesome enough to send me some helpful websites I'll be perusing later on. I do stress quite often, but I really think that after a month or so I should be down at LEAST five pounds, right?

Too bad I'm not... :/

Bout to head out and go swimming. Evan measured me for a progress marker yesterday and I'm still 180ish lbs.

I want to look like this again. Not "fat" not "skinny" but toned and shaped. And this was only a year ago.

Today I had a starbucks pumpkin spice latte and a beer. I don't think that's part of my diet. :(

Today I've had a peach and two pb&j sandwiches. But I've also gone and swam. I forgot how much I love swimming.

I still haven't stepped on the scale yet. Yesterday I felt good about not getting on it. Today I feel fat as hell. I'm still struggling into my jeans. Damn thighs.

Meeting Evan tomorrow at Noon.

I hurt. So so so much.

Talked with Evan today about how I'm worried about the fact that I'm not seeming to make any progress. I don't feel it and I don't see it in the mirror.

His way to make me feel better?

He promised me that if he can't get me down a pant size by October 1st, I'll get a free session. My deal is I have to keep eating well like I have and put away the scale until October 1st.

He promises that by the time I go for my get together with camp people in December I'll have made substantial progress. Here's to hoping!

My weight this morning was 182.4

I was really kinda upset.

Updated my milestones. 179.6. Not where I wanted to be at this point...at all...but at least the number isn't going up!

Abs hurt a bit, but not as much as I was hoping or expecting.

Went to the gym again today and worked out with Evan. Last workout when we did legs, I wasn't really sore except for a little bit in my gluts.

Today we did abs. Right now I don't hurt too much, but when I went to get my haircut and laid down in the chair, it was pretty hard to get up in order to sit up. So, we'll see. If not, I'm gonna sassy the hell outta Evan.

I didn't eat much yesterday, like, at all. I tried to make pancakes with fresh strawberries, but I could only stomach about half of one. And then I was in class for forever, so I was drinking water with one of the "xenadrine ultra" (different form of Slimquick deal) and by the time I got to eat again, I was so famished I felt like I was going to pass out. NOT fun at all. I met MTPCers at Niffers and had a few corn nuggets, but then had chicken chili with beans and a salad. I had about 1/3 of the chili and 1/2 the side salad. Part of that was because I was feeling so nauseous that I didn't want to force myself to eat.

Note to self though, the Xenadrine stuff works, because it curbs your appetite, but if you don't eat any food for like, 6 hours while you're sipping on it, you WILL puke up the bile like substance afterwards. It hurt...

Note to self: don't eat honey. Or peanut butter.

On another note, I'm upset because my weight is going UP, not down. The only way I've seen my weight ever go down is if I don't eat...which hurts me more in the long run. I can't go up anymore because then my clothes won't fit. :(

Met with Evan today. I had the request going in that afterwards I wanted to hurt. We did plenty of legs, starting with squats on the machine and ending with free squats/lunges with the a dumbbell bar. We also did some leg pushes and quad exercises.

I like doing leg workouts, especially since my thighs could kill people, but a lot of the times I'm finding it destroys my knees.

Still having trouble on the "eating" portion. I feel guilty after everything I eat, good or bad. =/

I'm trying very hard to get back into the routine. I'm meeting with a trainer on most Tuesday and Thursdays getting set on a regular track. Right now it's more training me on the machines and then he's going to set me up with a program every week.

To be honest, the hardest thing for me is the eating. I just plain old eat too much. Or rather, I eat the wrong stuff. For example -- I hope when you all know just how bad peanut butter is for you. Atrocious.

So I'm going to put myself back on the "diet" I did during lent a few years ago. I'm only going to eat what grows. And that I mean by that is I'm going to eat more raw, healthy foods that I will burn quicker. Cheese doesn't grow, neither does peanut butter or jelly. If I want sweet, I'll have honey. If I want protein, I'll eat AN egg. If I have chicken, it will be pan seared or baked in the oven with just enough oil in the pan so it doesn't stick or burn. No more butter, no more chocolate, no more any of that.

Drinks, I'll have just water and milk.

This is going to suck, but I'm tired of being fat. My hips don't lie and I'm looking like my genetics.