So, I would really like this shirt:

For those of you that aren't sure of the reference, it's from the BBC show, Dr. Who. It's subtle and geeky at the same time. I'm going to sleep on it for a few nights and see if I'd still like it.

Oh, and to understand the joke, feel free to check out the video. :)

So I haven't updated in almost a month and I'm really surprised that no one has called me on it, especially since I deleted my other "wellness diet" blog.

My weight is back up in the very high 150s, and because of that, I'm upset. Surprise! I realize that most of this is due to my spring break splurge. And when I say I was a piggy, I mean I was a piggy. It's so much easier for me to eat healthy at school than it is at home and around friends I haven't seen. When I was home for a week I ate:

• Wings
• Ice cream
• Brownies
• Alcohol
• Reeses
• Jellybeans
• Guiness and Beef stew from Ri Ra Uptown
• Bread pudding
• Hamburgers
• Salmon
• Chocolate cake
• Quesadillas
• Perogies
• Fried pickles

And I know that's not all, just what i remember off the top of my head. So I guess I can't blame myself for going from 155 to 160ish in a week. I feel like a sham -- I preach healthy eating, obsess over calories, but this week it was literally like I could not get enough calories in my body. And they were never the good kind. Also, the most exercise I got was playing frisbee and walking the dog.

So now I have a lot to make up for. I'm trying to be better about what I eat, but also be more intuitive. I want to be so skinny I could spit, and honestly, right now I'm so disgusted with myself eating wise, look wise and scale wise that all I can think about is "stop eating all together until you hit a "comfort" number on the scale." This isn't healthy either.

I went to a spinning class yesterday and that was fun. Nearly killed myself. The day before I did a Jillian Michaels 30 day shred workout. Today I'm debating another spinning class, but I've already done the Ab Ripper X workout from p90x. Food has consisted of an apple and a banana.

I keep saying I'm tired of being fat, but really I only have myself to blame. And I'm so ashamed of that.

ugh

Stress filled day. Today I ate my feelings. I will start again tomorrow.

5k

So, training for the 5k in March really doesn't look like it's going too well. I pulled (or strained or is really effing sore) my right quad muscle. I did leg exercises on Monday (squats, lunges and a whole plethora of other things with different weights) and it still hurts to walk. Tuesday I didn't even go to the gym because I had this odd gimp. My butt was sore, my legs were sore...I didn't really want to chance injuring myself. So Wednesday I went to the gym and had Evan help me stretch it out more (on Wednesday my leg was randomly giving out when I walked too -- you never realize how integral ALL your leg muscles are!)

Anyway, Wednesday I could barely walk on an incline. I keep limping on the treadmill. This and the fact that I went out of town last weekend has put me behind in the couch to 5k program. Boo hiss. I think I'm still going to donate to Live.Laugh.Run, but I may not actually RUN it. Never fear, however! I'm going to keep training -- plus it's good since running is something I can keep up with at camp that doesn't involve weights. AAAAND I've found another 5k I'm going to run. No questions asked.

Why?

Well, look at it!

The Color Run looks well, like a whole lotta fun! Who wouldn't wanna run around and get blasted with color?! This is the sort of motivation I think would be amazing -- I would WANT to run to get to the next splash of colors. Now, there is a race in Atlanta at the end of March, which would theoretically be almost a whole extra month to train. However, the idea of running in Atlanta right now scares me...mostly because Atlanta scares me. But...there is one that will be in Charlotte!

The Charlotte run isn't until October, which at this point seems like EONS away. If I can't run a 5k by then, I will be a hopeless cause. Now, I know that I'm 100% positive where I will be October -- jobs and whatnot still iffy on the horizon -- but if I get a job in Greenville, Raleigh, anything like that I should be able to to travel back and stay with my parents for the weekend. Plus, Charlotte is pretty close to most of my other fitness buddies. Kristina wants to live in Tennessee or Atlanta, which isn't freakishly far. Jenna lives in Charlotte. Thrasher might be moving to Charlotte pending a new job. And my Greenville fitness buddies (I'm looking at you, Dauge and Michelle) should be in working order and might be able to come, too! I mean, tell me this wouldn't be a riot!

If you still need convincing, check out this video. I'm serious people -- we should try to plan a get together and make this happen. It seems like so much fun, even if you aren't a runner!

New Goal

I dunno if this is really a goal if it's more of one of those "I have a dream" moments.

I think I've decided that I want to try to be a fitness model. Why? What does this mean? What does this entail? I'm not 100% sure. But it gives me a definitive goal to work towards instead of just "when I'm happy." If you know me at all, I don't do well with delayed gratification OR ambiguous goals. I'm working on the former, but the latter still really irks me. How will I know when I'm "happy"? Especially when I know that the term "happy" is going to fluctuate. Example -- when I was in Greenville, I ate not bad but not like I normally do.

And I know it's something that I wouldn't want to do on an every day basis. So I'm learning, and I'm changing. But having something exactly the I can point at and say "I'm working towards that" will make me feel better.

Let's face it -- I will never be a Victoria Secret model. I'm not built for it and I won't ever be a skinny twig that's all legs any more than I can be a model with brown eyes. Not. Gonna. Happen. So, let's compare what I mean when I say "fitness model."

I DON'T want this:

 

What I DO want:

So, I hope that's a little bit of clarification. I'm not one at all to think that I'm pretty enough to be a model model (again, not built that way) but I think the whole "strong is the new skinny" mentality is gold. I love it and am fully in support of it. And it's not to say that I don't want to be "skinny" it's just not my first priority. I'd love to look pretty in clothes and dresses, etc etc, but again, not exactly what I'm going for...

So just like little kids grow up wanting to be an astronaut, I wanna be a fitness model. Haha.

My weakness is whole wheat goldfish crackers.

I eat them like they're crack.

55 crackers for 140ish calories. I'm not sure how good/bad this is, but I love theeeeeeeem.

Now up to 20.5 miles out of my 50. Tonight's run was tough, I'm not gonna lie. I thought I wasn't really gonna make it through the full couch to 5k week 2. I'm still having trouble walking without pain (didn't stretch well enough before/after my leg workout) so running is a biiiitch. Oh well.

Hopefully I'll be able to run at least 1/2 of the 5k?

Did another 2+ miles today. Combination run/walk, since I still have trouble running a full mile without stopping. But I'm running/walking on an incline too, to get ready for when I run outside (it's not gonna be flat outside, so why train on a flat treadmill?)

Also did 100 crunches on the ab machine and 100 lower back exercises. Then 150 on the adductor/abductor machine for my legs. So relatively "easy" day at the gym, but at least I was sweating a good bit afterwards.

I also purchased a "piggy bank." I saw an idea on pinterest of every time you workout, add a dollar to the bank and that way after you reach a certain amount, you can buy something with the money you've saved. Well, I've been to the gym (according to FourSquare) for the past 20 days straight without skipping. And I'm having enough trouble keeping hold of money as it is, so I'm not going to put in $1 every day. I AM going to put in at least 50 cents a day for every day I do less than an hour of cardio, and a $1 every day I do more than a hour of cardio. I have a giant change dish that I'm going to start using for now, and we'll see how it goes from there. I made sure I got a piggy bank that was opaque (yes, it's an actual piggy bank -- valentine's theme since that's all Walmart had at the moment) so that I can't see how much is in it or be tempted to take cash out of it early. I'm going to keep working until the week prior to spring break. Why? I present my portfolio the FRIDAY before spring break. So, the pay off will double as "you are gonna graduate with a masters!" as well as a "it's spring break! time to reveal those abs!"

Hopefully this will be some more motivation. I've hit a huge rut in feeling disgusting lately and I'm not sure what's causing it. Guess I'm really not wired for delayed gratification at all.

Obligatory post about how I feel fat and gross and disgusting and untoned and "pudgy" and soft.

now that that's out of my system. I'm going running again. I already did 2.5 miles today. Gonna go see if I can run another one. Or two. Or fifty.

[If you can't tell, I'm having one of those nights where I hate myself. I can't explain it, and I'm hoping it passes soon.]

I need to start doing some serious toning. I still feel "soft" and "pudgy."

I know it's a matter of doing all over body work and % body fat, but I keep hoping that massive amounts of crunches and whatnot will fix it.

Which it won't.

It's 80% diet, right?

Blargh. Trying to be good but DANG I would kill for a big awesome dinner where I don't worry about calories.

Valentine's Day.
Valentine's Day....

10.5 miles. Whaddup! :)

The 5k was moved up to beginning of March whereas I thought it wasn't until the beginning of April. I'm still having trouble with one mile. I dunno if I'm gonna be able to do a 5k by March. :(

Personal track: I've got 9 miles (that I'm sure of) down in my route to 50 miles this semester. And that's just 9 miles this week. Hrrmmm. Need to step it up.

I need a reality check

As I said,, I'm only counting calories in, not calories burned.

It's almost 2pm and I'm at 850ish calories today. 250 breakfast, a little over 410 or so for lunch, 190/200 snacks. So, not bad, but getting close to 1000 calories is starting to freak me out. Like I start saying "oooh! Gotta be careful!"

What. The. Hell.

1000 is TOO LITTLE not too much. Why am I focusing on this like it's a bad thing. I'm working out, I'm doing cardio, I'm doing weights. So even when I eat 1500-1800, I know I'm burning at LEAST 300 of them a day. So net calorie intake of 1200-1500 a day. 

I need to check myself. For serious.

I've decided I'm gonna stop recording my exercise amounts in MyFitnessPal. That way I'm still only eating a particular number of calories. Not to mention, I'm not 100% certain as to how many calories are burned in Zumba or spinning or swimming. I mean, sure, it can give me an estimate... If I went swimming and swam for 20 minutes doing breaststroke, I'll burn a different amount than 20 minutes of freestyle.

I ran for 15ish minutes (a little over a mile) before Zumba today. I only made it through 30 minutes of the class. The room was PACKED and there were so many tiny girls shaking what their momma gave me in my face. After 30 minutes I really couldn't take it anymore. I left, ran another (well, sprinted another) 3 minutes, then did 5 minutes on high power stairmaster. When I was done I was literally DRIPPING sweat. It was kinda cool. Here comes intensive cardio for shorter amount of times. //sigh//

Y'all.

I don't think I can explain how upset I am with my weight lately. I know i haven't been eating THE BEST but I haven't exactly been eating badly either. Maybe I'm expecting too much too quickly, but I think this is a situation that's been coming since I got back at Auburn.

Had a talk with Evan today -- not about a "why am I not changing/you're not working with me hard enough" talk but what do I need to change. Ironically, he said I might be doing TOO MUCH cardio. He said try to back down the time from 1:15 to maybe 45 and instead do more intensive cardio (sprints, runs, upping the level on the stair master). Change my cardio so I'm gasping for breath at the end of my workout.

That and we reevaluated my diet. While I'm eating the right amount of calories, I'm going to shift when I eat the majority of my foods. I've been factoring out meat more than I possibly should, focusing instead of adding clean veggies and fruits.

I'm going to try for the next two weeks to have fiber and fruits in the morning, a blend in the afternoon and protein and veggies at night. I'm still eating too many grams of sugar a day, even if they're "good" sugars found in fruits and whatnot. Example, this morning with my raisin bran muffin there were only 190 calories, but 18 grams of sugar. Womp womp -- raisins.

So I'm going to buy a lot of chicken cutlets, chicken tenderloins, salmon filets and lean (as I can get them) steaks to start cooking on the george forman. I'm gonna cook for a few days out so that when I come back from classes and whatnot and doing feel like pulling out the grill or cleaning the grill afterwards all I have to do is reheat the chicken. Veggies will be asparagus, cucumbers, spinach and green beans mostly -- because those are my favorites (if anyone has other good suggestions please share!) I like carrots, but really only in the raw with ranch...and ranch is something I'm trying to do without.

Anyway, so I'm really trying to change my body. Yes, I would like to see the number on the scale go down, but more than that I'd like to see the toning. I really want the INCHES and % fat in my body to decrease, not so much the "weight" if that makes sense. I feel like this is a healthier mindset than what I've been in -- because it focuses on changing my body rather than changing my weight into a "skinny" mindset.

I'm not giving up food, just giving up eating out -- even if it is a veggie delight flatbread at Subway. My waist (and wallet) can't handle it much anymore.

I'm trying to eat after my workout too, when I'll burn the calories, but honestly it's like force-feeding myself after a workout cuz I'm just not hungry... If anyone out there know of low sugar, high protein meals or foods I can start to incorporate I'd be appreciative. :)

Here goes everything. Because let's be honest....I REALLY wanna use my VS gift card! :D

Was feeling pretty down and out about my weight lately. Still in the 160s and can't seem shake it. But I do also know that my eating hasn't been 100% amazing. I need to stop eating out, which, in looking at my bank account shouldn't be too hard.

But then I found a picture of where I come from...and I feel a lot better. Starting again tomorrow.

Realized I've been using my perfect push up the wrong way. Well, not really the wrong way, so much as I've been using the starting position as the bars looking like | | as apposed to how they're supposed to look _ _. It's much harder the second way.

Regardless. I got in 90 push ups (70 of them the "wrong" way) yesterday and I still feel it. Bring the burn.

I realize I'm not a fan of plain rolled oats. They're "better for me" than the instant oatmeal I've been getting (SO MUCH LESS SUGAR) but they also taste a little bit (lot a bit) like cardboard. In hindsight though, it makes me super full, super fast.

1/2 cup dried oats makes one serving. 150 calories

Right now, I can only handle 1/4 cup dried oats, 75 calories.

I guess this is good so that I have something in my stomach before I work out but I won't be stuffed.

Also also, I only did 50 push-ups yesterday with my perfect push up, and I can definitely feel it.

Yessssssssss.

NEW FITNESS GOAL

well, kinda. Im gonna try to do 100 push-ups a day. For 30 days.

I wonder how this is gonna change my upper body, strength fitness or otherwise. :)

Oh! Did Zumba today. Instructor said afterwards we burned 728 calories (or at least she did) and I was definitely going full out 100% balls to the wall.

Saturday (Intense) Workout Schedule

I’ve decided that I’m going to reserve Saturday’s for my “intense workout” day. There are no classes that I’ve incredibly interested in, and being the weekend I have more time to spend in the gym without the interference of classes and whatnot. I ALMOST made it through the entirety of it today before I started to feel dizzy on the elliptical. So I went home, had some lemon greek yogurt (Chobani Greek Yogurt, Lemon, Non-fat 140 calories om nom nom nom) and feel SO much better! Anyway, here’s more or less what I went through today. I’m not posting the weight I used because 1) everyone needs a different weight and 2) I honestly don’t remember (I put it on a level that made it difficult to complete but could still finish the set).

»»»

GYM FITNESS PLAN

(in order I did it at the gym)

• 10 minutes interval training on the stair step
• Arms: 30 biceps curls/30 triceps kickbacks/30 seated rows/30 lat down pulldowns/30 push ups/50 low-seated pectoral flies
• 20 minutes treadmill (3.5 - 4.0 speed/ 8.0-11 degree incline)
• Legs and Booty: 30 lunges/30 weighted squats/90 (3 sets of 30) abductor/90 (3 sets of 30) adductor/ 30 leg press/ 30 calf extensions/30 leg extensions
• Abs: 100 crunches (60 regular, 20 left side, 20 right side), 40 bicycles, 40 donkey kicks, 40 leg lifts, 50 crunches Roman/Captain’s chair
• 30 minutes elliptical (this is where I only got about 5 minutes done after doing all the above)
• Cool down: stretch and 5-7 minute slow walk

For the past month or so I've been having a lot of stomach pains. Not like girl cramps or anything, more like the stomach pain you get when you're running and have a stitch in your side. But it normally starts near my diaphragm, then migrates to my sides. It hurts, makes it difficult to breathe, and makes it hard to stand up or sit straight.

I thought at first that it was just because of the differences in food I was eating (I was eating pretty clean and then went home where I was, well, not). But I've had these pains really only when I eat -- I had it when eating a burger (which started my thought of "it's what I'm eating) a week ago. Last Saturday I had it while eating a whole grain waffle. Today I had them after eating a granola bar. And that's just this past week.

No it's not a "bathroom" problem...and I really really REALLY am hoping that when I get back to eating clean it'll go away. Because if not, that means I have to go on medication and then (if that doesn't help) get an ultrasound. Dad says (over the phone, without looking) it sounds like either an ulcer or gallbladder.

Fan.tastic.

Buh.

But, in other news, I'm back in Auburn, meaning I should be going to the gym a lot more. Right now I have it set up that Tuesday/Thursday after office hours I'm going to go swimming for an hour or so. Then Tuesday/Thursday is Zumba at 7. Friday at 8am is Cycle Challenge and Saturday is Zumba at 1030. I'm hoping Body Attack comes back on Saturdays (total cardio) and that the Kick Boxing starts up soon. This is all on top of meeting with Evan.

Here's to hoping it all works up and I can keep up with it!

Anyway, I'm headed to the gym now to watch the first part of the Clemson game. :)

Definitely getting fat.

I have two pair of jeans that are the exact same except one is a size "8" and the other is a size "10." My 8s were feeling a bit tight so I put on the 10s. I feel so much better.

Fuck.

Definitely going back to school tomorrow. I workout well when I'm watching a football game, so I'll watch the Orange Bowl from the elliptical/stair master/treadmill.

Damn.