I feel fat.

Like, really fat.

I haven't been on a scale all break and I'm scared to get on one when I get back.

I'm not going back to Auburn until the 5th, if only because the bowl game is on the 4th. I'm still debating this, but it seems the best option. I might change it to the 3rd, but that's undecided.

I miss my gym.
I miss buying my own groceries.

Yesterday I tried to make grilled tuna sandwiches and my dad took over, slathered the bread with butter and added like, 6 spoonfuls of mayo. bleeeeeeech.

Didn't run today (did some arm exercises, but nothing really worth mentioning) but I did pretty well with eating.

Breakfast:
Glass of V8 Splash
Two slices of 100% wheat toast w/ strawberry preserves
Banana

Snack:
Large apple

Lunch:
Giant cucumber w/ light sea salt
Whole wheat ritz crackers w/ strawberry preserves + pumpkin butter

Snack:
Tall skinny peppermint mocha (under 100 calories!!)

Dinner:
Tuna and cheese sandwich
Salad w/ dressing on the side
1/2 handful of chips (it was too greasy to eat a lot of them)
Milk

...so...I guess that's a lot more than I thought...but calorie wise I don't think it's too much. I'd have to count it up.

Note to self

ran something like 3-4 miles today (hills and all). Felt good but note to self -- from now on I refuse to run without support for my knees. I feel like such an old lady now.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Decided on blog a facelift

Decided to give this blog a facelift. I've been posting in it for awhile, and while the camo was nice, it was also dark. So I tried to brighten it up a bit...maybe make it a bit more motivational. What do you think?

I didn't chow down on everything in sight today, but I wasn't fantastic either.

Food
Breakfast
Whole wheat bagel and whipped cream cheese

Lunch
Small broccoli and cheddar soup
1/2 a turkey sandwich (mustard, tomato, onion, lettuce)
Oatmeal raisin cookie (my weakness)

Dinner
Slice of lasagna
Side salad

Misc
White Russian (it IS the holidays...)


Exercise:
Walk the dog (~2.5 miles)
Evening run (~1.5 miles)


....so, still no Jillian but I have been walking to dog regularly and I'm going to start back trying to run again. It's been raining so it's harder to get outside.

I've really lost my motivation lately -- I'm hitting that "depressed about my weight" but it's easier to eat another cookie than to do sit-ups place. I'm really hoping that the kickboxing class starts up at the gym this new year...will definitely be doing that if I can. Also, ab challenge with Chappy is still on for spring break.

Also, I've added a "Stats + Goals" page where I'm listing my current stats and my goals. Feel free to suggest goals. I'm kinda running out of them, to be honest. I don't wanna reward myself with food, but I want to try and save money, too, so I can't say "shopping spree!!!" or anything like that. Also when I find a tape measure I'm going to add measurements, too. I'm going to update my stats the first of every month. I wanted to get rid of that ticker thing because it was kinda a downer to see how far I still had to go. One of my goals as of right now is one of the shirts for sale here. I really like the "shut up and squat" one, but I feel like if I were to wear that any place OTHER than the gym, I'd get really awkward looks. I am a fan of the "fall down seven times..." since that's been my mantra all along (THANKS Japanese proverbs!) but the "strong is the new skinny" is also pretty stellar. I'm debating making that one (strong is the new skinny) a "goal payoff" if I can get below 18/19% body fat (ie, can I trim fat from my inner thighs and arms...which might take a whole other year).

Anyway...

Soooo, overall....thoughts?

I'm not gonna lie, I've been doing really badly this weekend.

My sleep schedule is all messed up from exams and Auburn, so I'm sleeping in pretty late...and even with that I'm falling asleep with naps and dead tired at 8pm. I tried sleeping at 8 thinking okay, I'll get back on track, but then I woke up at midnight and was up for a good four hours.

I'm eating all the time, too. Or at least, it seems that way since it's more than I ate at school on a regular basis. I don't like it. I miss my gym. Like, a lot. But tomorrow I'm going to try to cut out all sugar until Christmas morning. I realize that's not a lot of time, but what's that saying, it takes 21 days to break a habit and 42 to make a new one? I'm trying y'all, but I'm failing epically.

I've been taking the dog for walks, but I haven't been doing Jillian. I did part of a workout the other day, but I got bored. I just don't have motivation anymore. I'm realizing that so much of my motivation at the gym came from just watching other people. Like "oh, so and so's been here longer than me...I can't leave yet."

I really am going to try to start running again tomorrow and do Jillian. I'm also going to start carrying my water bottle around with me so that maybe I won't be so hungry and snacky all the time. I'm also realizing WHY it's so hard for me to lose weight at home -- no one here EATS HEALTHY!The other day I made a roast in the crock pot with just some spices and seasoning and beef broth. After I'm done and I'm making the sides, my mom turn around and ADD HALF A BLOCK OF CREAM CHEESE!! What the fuck? I would love to say "oh, I'll just get my own food" but no one wants to be that person, and surely no one wants to start a fight with their mom saying "the food you get isn't good enough." Especially when she's just trying to be nice.....

Anyway, it's a work in progress. All of it.

I'm really hoping that come the start of the new year the Gym will have started the kickboxing classes. Please please please PLEASE!

Anyway. Here's to trying again tomorrow.

Cuz I got called out

My biggest thing over break is gonna make sure I don't gorge on food. And that I actually exercise.

Breakfast:

Two eggs
Slice of cheddar cheese
Two slices of whole wheat bread

~380/400 calories

Kinda a lot for morning, but lunch has been light something like a side salad or a greek yogurt. Dinners at home are pretty heavy.

Tryin' to take the dog for a walk/run every day and gonna try to start up Jillian Michael's 30 day shred. Let's see how it goes.

Ugh

Hosted a pot luck today.

Ate way to much fucking food.

Starting over tomorrow. Gonna just try to eat the Naked Juice smoothies I have in the fridge til this sick feeling passes. Too much sugar. It's just sitting in my stomach. I feel so gross....

Tabouleh

New. Favorite. Food.

It takes a lot to prepare, but it's so worth it. I can have something like 3 HEAPING cups and it only be 350ish calories. Plus, all the stuff in it is good for you -- cucumber, parsley, tomatoes, mint, lemon juice, green onions. Shoot. Even the bulgar wheat isn't THAT bad.

I was supposed to have this tabouleh for the party tonight. Don't think it's gonna last that long. oops.

Victoria Secret Workout - Glutes

This is interesting in the fact that it offers some Glute Workouts that you can do pretty much at home.

But honestly...I don't want to look like her. Not to say that she's not gorgeous (especially in the facial features) but...that's way to skinny. I don't find that sexy at all. I find it almost sickly and frail. Breakable.

Victoria Secret All Access 

I realize I haven't updated this in awhile. Brief recap?

Got down to 154 ish pounds.
Had Thanksgiving
Am now up to 160 lbs again (groan)
Went to the gym today and watched the VS fashion show while on the elliptical. Burned 600+ calories. Heck yea.

I also bought a pilates DVD. I'm not sure how much it will help, since each segment is only 10 minutes. The lower body segment didn't seem to help much, but I definitely felt the arms and abs I did. I figure hey, with the resistance band included, 10$ was a decent investment. So I've been doing that every morning, regardless. I can spare 10-20 minutes regardless of how "busy" I am. At least it's something.

How is it that even after losing so much weight I still feel so large and ugly 95% of the time? Ugh. Maybe this is more a mental thing than I thought.

Matt's kinda been a blessing in disguise though. He always tells me I'm beautiful and that he still thinks I've got a rocking body, no matter what I think. And while I don't exactly agree with him, it's always nice to have a support system of good friends and loved ones that don't care what you look like.

Gym in the morning and meeting with Evan at 11. Then cardio again tomorrow night. I've got one week to really do well before I go home and 1) have no gym and 2) have thanksgiving food. blugh.

According to My Fitness Pal

I can only have another 273 calories today. Hrm. I've already been to the gym once, but I really want a turkey burger. I think I'm gonna go for a run, burn 200 calories and then eat. :)

Today workout wise I got so close as:

Getting dressed in my workout gear.
Filling my waterbottle.
Looking at the door.

at this point i realized it was late and it was also 39 degrees outside.
I"ll do better tomorrow. Besides, my back still kills from hammer throws yesterday.

I was 156 this morning. I've been taking in a steady calorie count of like, 1600 ish calories plus exercise. I've been doing the stairmaster a lot, too. And while my weight isn't really going DOWN like I want

1. At least it's not going up
2. I feel toner/fitter

What do I mean by toner/fitter? Well...I don't feel as jiggly. Like the weight and figure I have is starting to tighten up.

I could be COMPLETELY off the mark on that.

But when I measured my waist it was 29.5" I'm usually between 30.5 and 30". I don't know if that's significant of note, but hey, i'll take it.

Working out is hard. But not wanting to binge on food is even harder. Boo hiss.

This week I'm really going to try to step it up with classes. Two weeks until I can see Matt again (well, and my family) and I wanna look good. I've been working SO effing hard these past few weeks that I want something to show. I haven't seen Matt for a month, and I figure you can accomplish a lot in a month. I not going to put a "I want to be at X weight by X date" because honestly, I'll just be upset and depressed and hate myself if I don't make it. But I figure last year I lost something like, 25-30lbs in 4 months, I should be able to do SOMETHING in a month. Especially since I'm incorporating more weights. Now granted, back then I was also eating ridiculously low calories and had time for two a days, but I think now with drinking more water and (trying) to get a consistent sleep amount, things are evening out. More than anything I'm trying -- desperately trying -- to stay positive. One minute I'm loving myself, the next minute I feel like a blob.

Learning.

However, these two pictures have become my new motivation:

Also, I forgot to mention that while at the gym last night, I was on the stairmaster and one of the workers at the gym told me "you have really nice legs."

Um...awkward, but thank you?

Especially since my legs are the part of my body I'm most self-conscious of (especially my thighs!)

Today I did very much not good on calories

and not in the bingeing sense, either. I think INCLUDING the mexican I had for dinner tonight I was only between 800-1000 calories (I can only approximate on what the 1/2 plate of nachos -- sans sour cream, guacamole, and jalapeno but with chicken not beef -- was worth. Especially since I didn't eat the whole plate). But I swear I didn't do it on purpose!

I slept in and when I got up kinda piddled around, drank some water, checked my mail, played with the cats. Met Evan around 11:15, worked out on some cardio. Came back, more homework, called mom, etc. Realized I should probably start looking into professional attire such as suits and blazers. Ran to Opelika to check out TJ Maxx and Target (found some super cute stuff), came back, lounged -- and by the time I realized I hadn't really eaten all day (somewhere in there I grabbed a crescent roll) it was like, 45minutes or an hour before I made plans to meet people for dinner. I'd been sucking down water all day and never really got the stomach growls or the headache that usually comes. So...I didn't really think about it to be honest. Normally I do, but today I was just so content with not doing ANYTHING that well, I guess that included eating.

So with working out, the myfitnesspal app says that if everyday were like today, I'd weight 142 ish in 5 weeks. And while I like that number, I don't like how I got to it today.

ANYWAY, I guess I could include this also in my regular blog, but it has to do with fitness, too, so I'll just post it here. Working out/losing weight/drinking so much water (I think the last one is putting me in a great mood) has made me really start to look at fashion. Like, I'm getting to a point where I think I can actually wear stuff I think is cute AND look good in it. @.@ Cosmic, right?  Anyway, so today at Target, though I did not find the blazer/jacket/suit I was looking for, I did find the following dress:

Personally I think it looks pretty darn spiffy on. It's a little short for me to wear as a dress, but hey, that's what leggings are for. Actually, when I tried it on I was wearing nice jeans/slacks and it still looked awesome. Versatile? Yes please.

My ULTIMATE goal? Is to be able to pull off a style like this:

Now, I realize a) she has no boobs and b) she looks like she's about to fall asleep, but for some reason I LOVE this linen blazer. That being said, in a year or so it'll probably look outdated. I would probably dress this up with a long dangle necklace instead, but I can't wait to be confident enough to wear jeans, a tank, a blazer and a thin belt and not like I'm a "fat girl trying to dress like a skinny one."

And no, I'm not calling myself fat. But we've ALL seen the not-so-skinny-girls in skinny jeans and the girls that don't seem to understand STILL that leggings are NOT pants.

Anyway, for some reason I'm into fashion. I'm gonna try to hit up some resale places when I go home for Thanksgiving and see if consignment stores will be my friends. :)

Yumm

I've been hitting a home run on food lately!

Forgot to bring a lunch to school today (super stressed about getting this assignment done). So I went to Au Bon Pain which is incredibly over-priced but has a listing of all the nutrition facts and calories for their soups and salads. I've been trying to work red meat out of my diet in lieu of trying to find more balance. So while I gazed at the chicken and tuna options for awhile, I ultimately decided on the Hummus and Olives on Sun Dried Tomato Bread. Holy poo am I glad I did. 300 calories and total deliciousness in my mouth. I also snagged a carton of red grapes that SAYS it's 160 calories, but the net weight is 8grams and to my estimation red seedless grapes are 2 calories per ounce. Hmmm.

Anyway, gaze upon this:

Still ~390 calories left today, before running. This seems alright for a decent dinner. Hopefully no one will bring massive Halloween goodies to class tonight.

Also, weighed in at 158 this morning. I think this massive influx of water is flushing out my system. I've been doing 20 oz every morning with breakfast. Hopefully this'll help something...and who knows, maybe it'll help my skin, too!

Discovered my new favorite breakfast

1 slice of dark pumpernickel bread, toasted (80 calories)
1 large egg, scrambled (90 calories)
1 splash of slim milk - with egg (~20 calories)
1/8 cup - or less - Feta Cheese Crumbles Basil, Kalamata Olive and Sun Dried Tomato (Saladena) (~40 calories)

Total Calories: ~230

I TRY to eat between 250-350 calories for breakfast, figuring 300-400 for three meals = 900-1200 calories in meals and then somewhere between 200-300 in snacks a day, so on the VERY low end 1100 calories and otherwise 1500.

Granted, this is a goal, as I know that I always tend to go over, so while it might seem on the low side, it never really works out that way. For example, this morning, though the above is what I think I want to start doing consistently, today in addition I had: another slice of bread (the heel of the loaf, so more like a 1/2 a slice), and 1/2 a crescent roll w/ two mini marshmellows and a mini resees cup. So, this MORNING I really ate 450. Already over my goal.

Someone I feel more okay being heavy on calories in the morning. Mentally I convince myself that it gives me energy for the day and i can burn it better than if I eat calories at night.

160.8

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing wrong. My days consist of counting calories, making sure I'm getting enough nutrients but not going over. Yesterday alone I ran for 30 minutes, did weights with Evan, did the stairmaster.

I'm honestly sobbing. Yesterday I was feeling good about myself. Today I feel terrible.

New Year's/Semester's Resolution

[cross-posted]


I know a few posts back I created some goals, but here's one I'm going to write down before I forget.

Come the new year (January 1st) I'm going to try and log 50 miles during the spring semester. What I mean by this is that in the spring semester I'm going to keep track of all the miles I run (treadmill, track, etc) and try to run 50 of them. Initially I thought 100, but considering I'm JUST starting to get into running, I thought that might be a bit lofty to start off.

Anyway, still training for a 5k, so I thought this might give me some motivation. I want to give myself a proverbial "carrot on a stick" treat for if I get to those 50 miles by graduation. Any thoughts?

Made this mistake of getting on the scale this weekend.

159.8.

Before the weekend I was 156.

Bollux. I'm really glad I didn't weight myself when I got home then. =/

Ran twice today.

Started week 2 in Couch to 5k program. Did that this morning with much pain -- cramps came early. No bueno. But I still pushed through.

Today ate more than I intended. Really killed it with the meal replacement bar, but I was so hungry I had a headache and it was the least of all evils present at the time. Also dinner consisted of whole wheat pasta. At 8:30 at night. Again, desperation.

Regardless, went and ran again tonight. Another 15 minute run + 2 minute cool down and walk back to my apartment. It's so much easier to run at night after I've run in the morning. No cramps, easier breathing, less people. Good to go.

I so desperately want to be thin and work on this again. Two a days seem to be helping, but we'll see. I gorged this weekend (and don't yet regret it!) so we'll see how it goes in the long run.

Guys Guys Guys

...I ran 15 minutes straight yesterday.

Around 9 or so I did my regular 5k 101 training (so, something like 10 minutes of running 15 minutes of walking). Then I had to go and finish my accommodating essay which lasted 'til about 1030 or 11. Afterwards I was like, what the hell. Let's run again.  It didn't help that at the table next to me a girl was talking about this super stressful "training program" where she was weightlifting for 45 minutes straight a day and all the other days (3 days a week) she was running 5-7 miles without stopping.

Bitches like that always make me feel bad about myself.

ANYWAY, so I got on the machine and was like, let's just go and see how this goes. I put a sign over the time, plugged in my headphones and just went. The machine was only on like, 5.1 (11 1/2 minute mile) but  I just ran. Song ended, keep running. Another song ended, kept running. It felt great. Technically I stopped at 12:31 something cuz I hit 150 calories (which I did see) but when I saw how close I was to 15:00min I started right up again.

Heck yea. Maybe this is actually working. Daily diligence. :)

This! This site!

I stumbled across this when I should have been working on my paper. Oh Pinterest. Thank you!

I've been feeling bad in the sense that I used to love cooking. I mean, I do still love cooking, but being so freakishly aware of whatever I'm putting in my body, I worry that by cooking I'll go overboard and eat unhealthy again.

So this site, SkinnyTaste, shows me lots of recipes I love, what's in them, and how many calories. Woo!

Updaaaaate - ish

I’ve gotta stop focusing on numbers, but stuff like this is pretty exciting. I downloaded “My Fitness Pal” to my phone and I’ve been logging (as best as I can) what I’m eating. It gives me a breakdown in terms of how many sugars, fats, sodium, vitamins, carbs etc that I’m putting into my body, too. I’m almost at 160 now (I was near 153 this summer, poop) but I’m just readjusting to school and schedule and when the best time to fit in fitness will be. Needless to say, it’s frustrating. People don’t tend to think that I weigh as much as I do — I carry myself well and I have a pretty tiny waist (30” - down from nearly 40”+) and I also have a lot of muscle that I’ve been working on in addition to slimming down.

And like I said, I need to stop focusing on numbers, but lower numbers make me feel good. Especially when I can see that I get the low numbers not by starving myself, but by being more conscientious of what I’m actually putting in my belly and by doing a healthy level of exercise and work.

I don’t want a gap in my thighs or anything like that (probably not possible with my father’s family genes) but I do want to see muscles in my legs. I’m gonna keep running and keep being good and only eating “naughty” when it’s a special occasion. This is a life-style change, not a sprint to the finish.  

All things I just gotta remember. Bah. But this handy little app is kinda becoming an addiction. It's so interesting seeing where my diet lands on the spectrum. :)

I realize that I have a diet heavy in sodium. Maybe this is why I'm holding on to so much "water weight"? Even with cutting calories. Make a salad, and olives/banana peppers/dressing/almost anything else you put on salads...all have massive amounts of sodium. Add tuna or chicken or something that you haven't prepared on your own...there's pretty much your sodium for the day.

Any suggestions on cutting the salt while also cutting the calories?

In other news, did BALLER on my calorie intake today (even if I did basically eat a salt lick).

Sad Day Indeed

Just realized that my favorite protein smoothie is ridiculously high in calories.
Now, I will say that I get said smoothie WITHOUT the chocolate syrup. But still.

Peanut Butter Protein™Fat Free Yogurt, Peanut Butter, Banana, Chocolate Syrup & MET-Rx® Protein
FAT (g) TRANS FAT (g) SAT FAT (g) SUGAR (g) FAT % CAL CHOLESTEROL (mg) VITAMIN A (%DV) VITAMIN C (%DV) VITAMIN D (%DV) VITAMIN E (%DV) CALCIUM (%DV) CAL FAT CALORIES CARB (g) PROTEIN (g) POTASSIUM (mg) SODIUM (mg) FIBER (g) PROTEIN % D/V IRON (%DV) THIAMIN (%DV) RIBOFLAVIN (%DV) NIACIN (%DV)	12 0 2.5 74 20 15 100 110 140 110 50 106 540 84 26 850 350 2 52 4 10 40 15

Just thinking about it makes me feel fat and disgusting. :(

Guess I'll be out running. Again. Already worked out with Evan doing legs this morning + 15(ish) minutes/half of my 5k training bit.

I just wanna be thin so badly! I keep telling myself I didn't get this way over night, I won't change overnight. But I'm so tired of always being so vigilant!

So I've been doing this workout the last quarter of the Clemson v. Maryland game. So far I've gotten through something like 3 sets. Pretty decent.

I'm not sure if I'll get killer abs. But it's better than just watching the computer screen.

Additional Goal

Additional Goal:

I was trying to find a dress online for the wedding this weekend, and instead found this. Totally not wedding appropriate, HOWEVER it might be New Years Eve appropriate.

My new goal is to have the confidence to wear this for New Years. Please ignore the super hot/sexy woman in the photo, as I will never be her. :)

I really don't wanna go to Zumba tonight -- I'd rather lounge around and sleep.

...but I'm going anyway.

I feel so effing fat lately, no matter what I do.

Post Workout Update

SO! I did start the 5K 101 program tonight. And I gotta say...I LOVE it! Something like 5 minutes brisk walk warm up, then four intervals of 2 minute run and 3 minute walk. End with another 5 minute cool down.

Now, when I say that I'm not a runner, I hope you guys realize that I mean "I'm not a runner." Running 0.5 miles hurts. I get stitches in my side, my knees hurt, my chest burns. Tonight though, when I went through the running program it seemed like I was working, but at the same time I wasn't dying. At some point in the third set I started to feel the stitch come back in my side, but just like the dude said, it was only two minutes and I could recover correctly in the three minutes of walking.

I'm really hoping that this program works! Even though it says "give yourself a day to rest" I'm going to try and do this every day as part of my cardio workout.

In other news, I'm also starting to get into RPM/Spinning. I'm going to try and make that the class I go to every Wednesday. I meet with Evan for weights on Wednesday and then afterwards I'll go to RPM.

And EXCITING news -- well, kinda. Last week I went to the Zumba class with Jill. I've been meaning to go for awhile, but Zumba is offered generally when I'm teaching or when I'm in class. Therefore, there are few times that I'm actually able to go. Anyway, Thursdays at 7pm is Zumba and this week NOT ONLY are Jill and I going, but so is Kristina and Courtney and Melissa.

I'm stoked. Fitness is catching on. :)

So, I forgot to actually click "sync" option for podcasts, so the podcasts weren't on my iPod when I went to the gym. But I did run(ish) on and off on the treadmill. I guess that's something?

Will try again tomorrow. Hopefully

Also

I'm absolutely TIRED of doing squats and lunges. But I don't know what else I can do to make my thighs any smaller. These things look like tree trunks and I don't think are proportional to my body. At all. :( Does anyone have any suggestions that they've found work well?

I went the the gym this morning and only pushed myself on the elliptical for 20 minutes.

It wasn't going to be my "workout" for the day, but since it was rainy, I was hoping to be able to use it to wake up and get the day started. Only 200 calories burned. =/

But you know, that's 200 calories I wouldn't have burned staying in bed, right?

I've had a scoop of peanut butter and a bowl and a half of raisin bran for breakfast.

Lunch was a petite baguette, small cup of vegetable and lentil soup (low sodium, vegan and soy free -- WIN) and a turkey club. Not the best with the club, since it was on sour dough and had bacon and basil-spicy mayo, but it did also have fresh lettuce, fresh tomato and REAL turkey (not the slimy deli turkey stuff).

I have class from 5-730, I ate my "large" meal of the day for lunch, hoping that it will tide me over during class and I wont have a huge appetite before going to the gym. I'd hate to go back and try to start this running 5k training on an empty stomach.

Yeah, speaking of --
iTunes had the Couch to 5k program podcasts for free. And you know what I say -- if it's fo' free, it's fo' me!

The first week "track" is 27 minutes. So I'm going to try the first week, see how it goes and then pound it out on the elliptical/stair master for the remainder of the hour workout I INTEND to do tonight.

Two-a-days, I keep saying they have to start again, but I need someone to yell at me and keep me accountable. Especially on rainy days like today.

Right now I desperately want to be slim and trim and pretty.
And devour an entire effing pizza. So, so badly.

I want carbs. Cheese and bread.

Get. In. My. Belly.

But, as much as I want pizza, I want this more:

And yes, I do follow "fitspo" (fit + inspiration) blogs that post lots of pictures like this...

Also, I decided Im going to have New Spring Goals. New Years resolutions...well, New Years is awhile away. And I figure it's 6 months (or so) until Spring Break, the next wedding I'm actually *in*, and in the long run, 6 months isn't really that far away. So, here we go.

Goals to Hit for Spring 2012:

• Look good for graduation
• When I graduated from Clemson, all my graduation photos have me and a double chin. 
• Feel confident to purchase a swimsuit/bikini from somewhere other than target/walmart
• After getting said suit, taking cute pictures with friends at the beach
• Getting down to <18% bodyfat
• When I left for the summer, I was at about 20%. Trying to get back to that.
• Be somewhere in the 140s weight wise
• I would LOVE to be in the low 140s, but I'm not going to set an exact number on in
• Get my waist down below 30".
• Right now I'm about 30-31", so if I up the abs, I'm sure I can do it
• Be able to participate in the 5k
• The KKPsi "Live Laugh Run" fundraiser is the beginning of April. I can't run. Obviously I need to work on this.
• Have back dimples
• If you're not sure what I mean, Google "fitness back dimples". It's vain, but I want them.
• ULTIMATE goal:
• Go down another dress size. Right now I'm about an 8 (depending on the brand) so it would be amazing to go down to a 6. My idea is that if I'm a 6, it means I've lost flub and toned up all over, not just at one spot.

I think most of these are reasonable. Thoughts?

Lettuce Tacos!

So, I'm gonna try to also work in food-ish things to this blog -- I mean, that way people can see what I'm eating and make suggestions.

I know I've mentioned this before, but I made some lettuce tacos again for dinner. I took pictures, too!

So here are the majority of the ingredients I used. You can pretty much fill the lettuce part with whatever you'd like. Generally I like to use kale, rather than lettuce, but Winn Dixie being as small as it is, I went with romaine lettuce. Add-ins include manzanilla olives, mild banana peppers, light creamy ranch, feta cheese (Mediterranean style) and tuna. Not pictured is olive oil and red pepper flakes.

 Take a few of the leaves off the bunch and put them on a cookie sheet. Put a light coating of olive oil on each leaf. I have the olive oil spray, so I spray the leaves then spread it around with my fingers. The romaine lettuce was really big, so I broke the end/stalk part off and put it in a salad keeper for later. There's enough lettuce still on them that I'm going to turn it into a salad later. Anyway, place the lettuce on the pan and pop it in the oven that's been pre-heated to 325-350 degrees.

While the lettuce is in the oven, prep the rest of the stuff. Mainly, this includes draining the tuna (I tend to  drain it into cups for the cats) and slicing up the olives. I personally don't like to bite into a full olive and/or they tend to roll out when I wrap things up later, so slicing them makes for a much better alternative. I don't use that many, so it doesn't take long.

After about 10 minutes (you really have to watch these suckers) take the lettuce out of the oven. The biggest thing to check for is that the majority of the leaf is crispy. If you don't leave them in the oven long enough then the edges will be crispy and the center will be soggy, which leads to an interesting spinach characteristics later (especially when you put in the fixings).

I got a bit impatient making these, so they were soggy in the center...which is how I know about this pitfall... (Just FYI, if you use kale, you can bake them with a bit of sea salt and make them into really awesome and delicious chips!)

After things have cooled, start adding in the fixings. I tend to put just a bit of tuna down the center, two-three mild banana peppers, two-ish sliced olives, a small sprinkle of cheese, etc. Sometimes if I have them I add sliced mushrooms which is equally delicious.

I'm weary of using a lot of ranch, even low fat ranch, so I really just put a few drops near the tuna for moisture and then a drop as I fold the lettuce to keep it closed (that way I can avoid using a toothpick). Then, enjoy! If you cook it right, the taco might try to crumble, so it does get a bit messy, but it's totally worth it. Not the best food for a dinner, but definitely good as a light lunch or afternoon snack! :)

One of my goals to "keep me honest" is every time I go to the gym, I'm going to sign in with FourSquare and/or facebook. You know, now that I have a smart phone and all.

Still frustrated with my eating habits. I can't seem to find a way to curb the need/want to binge. It was a lot easier to control what I was eating last year when I lived alone. Now that I have a roommate, it's a bit more frustrating because there are more "snacking" foods in the vicinity and there's not as much room for the fresh foods. I mean, let's be honest...it's a lot easier to put a can of green beans in the cupboard that it is to buy fresh green beans. And Kelsie is a TWIG (plus she climbs) sooo, she can basically eat what she wants. She just does it like a bird.

So I'm still battling eating correctly (which is easily 75% of my issue) as well as finding time to work out. I'm about to hit the gym for HOPEFULLY an hour (I tend to get bored....) and then set up a schedule of when I'm going to be going regularly. When I head to the gym I'm going to ask for a class schedule. I don't know if I'm going to up my membership yet, but if I have time to make a decent number of classes, that might make things easier....get a game involved. I've love to go back to Zumba!

So, for whatever reason I keep seeming to hover around the 155-158 range. I'm blaming this on the fact that I'm at school, often exhausted and 1) don't go to the gym and 2) don't stay at the gym as long as I should. Couple that with the penchant my program-mates have for eating out (But it's Weeeeendsday! Come to margarita night!) and you can see where the LBs are coming from.

It's frustrating to stick to a diet and workout routine. I think I'm going to spend a large amount of time scheduling out my weeks this coming weekend. This time to this time do _____________, for dinner, here's an option.

Most of my cravings and fallbacks happen after I get home. So if anyone has alternatives to late night snacking, I would greatly appreciate the share!

This picture is my new inspiration. After all this time I still can't run worth a damn, BUT I wanna be toned like this.

Picked up some protein bars. 20g of protein and hardly any carbs. Hopefully this'll help me with the "OMFG I WANT FOOD" cravings

HRM

Well, this explains some things....

I'm up to 159 again. I want to sob. And by 159, I mean, 159 consistently, not just an "I ate a lot" boo hoo. I hate this. I'm on a carb cleanse now. I feel it in my body. I've gained TWO full inches back in my waist. I feel it on my underarms, right where my bra hits.

I'm starting to hate how I look again. After all that work, I'm starting to hate myself again.

I can't get fat. I can't do it.

I'm going for a run. Maybe that'll keep me from crying.

New favorite site?

http://www.superskinnyme.com/

Looking back on some fitness blogs I used to follow, I'm getting crazy motivated to get back in shape/tone. Bring it on....BRING.IT.ON.

So, the lowest I saw myself over the summer was 151 or 152. I will take it. I hover around 155 which is okay.

I lost a lot of toning over the summer though and I feel like my arms/thighs have gotten bigger as a result. But hey, if I only did it in two months then hopefully with some work I can get it back (fairly) easily with some decent work. Seeing Evan in a week, so HOORAY to that. :)

I'm ready to kick this semester off right in the gym. Now I feel like I'm going in mostly for maintenance and just cleaning up, not an overhaul like I was last year. But you know what, I don't HATE my body anymore. I'm not satisfied (but then again, I don't think I ever should be, cuz that's when apathy and laziness sets in) but for the most part I like myself. And what a perk that I found someone else that thinks so, too. :)

Bring it on, Fall 2011

At my last estimation, I was about 157lbs (including all that birthday cake and nonsense).

This is my record. We'll see what I weigh at the end of the summer. It's not my goal weight of 145lbs that I wanted, but you know what? I gave it a hell of a run from 185.

I realized something today.

I might have a small(er) waist, but I will always be "thick." Not sure if that makes sense to anyone else...

Extreme example, I won't ever take tiny pictures like this:

Do I want to be THIS skinny? No, not really. Especially not when I more so want to look like this:

But...it's still an odd concept to know that you can lose #$%^&*( amount of weight, but still be thick. Maybe I'm just thinking about it wrong.

I think a summer without my scale will do me some good.

Gained some weight since I've been home.

Training for camp starts on Friday.

Back to the diet then, I guess. For breakfast I'm going to start having an apple and almonds.

Mom told me that I should really put my nose to the grindstone this week, because since I went from being "so active at school" and what I do now at home in these two weeks I've been off, "camp activity level is gonna kill you."

...excuse me?

I've lost somewhere between 30-40 pounds. I've run/swam/walked/ellipticalled/biked countless miles and lifted who knows how many weights. I've gotten my life on a good track to turn it into a healthy lifestyle...and that's what you tell me when I get home?

Horse shit.

//sigh//

I don't ever think I'll go back to what I was cuz I'm too afraid of being fat. Again. Even now I still can't see myself as "skinny". Sad, isn't it?

This number might not mean a lot to you, but to me, it means leagues.

True LIfe: Stress Diet

I've lost 8lbs since Monday. It is currently Thursday night. I HAVE eaten out, and it's not like I'm skipping meals excessively or anything (I mean, no more than usual with my schedule). I'm just so stressed I can't eat a lot when I do eat.

Today was especially bad because I'm really upset about some personal stuff from back home, so I KNOW I haven't been eating enough. ...I currently have green beans cooking on the stove though.

I also know my body will work itself out from this. I'm not working out like I should so I'm not burning fat -- the weight's going down just because my stomach is empty. I'll fluctuate after the stress passes in the next week or two, but i really hope I can get this straightened out prior to moving back home.

I'm gaining weight again. And no, it's not "muscle."

I've been trying to stop weighing and stop counting calories...instead I've just been trying to find a place where I'm comfortable with my body and I'm being more conscious of what I eat.

Well, apparently that doesn't work out so well. I was down to 155. Today? Almost 163.

This is not acceptable for me. It's upsetting. I realize it's only about 7-8lbs, but that's SEVEN OR EIGHT POUNDS. I can feel it. my waist is pudgier, I don't feel tight or tone. I just...un-like.

So I suppose I'm going to have to go back to counting calories. And doing two a days, if I can manage them. I'm sure the stress of the end of the school year isn't helping, but really? There's ONE MONTH before camp starts. ONE MONTH before I start my summer in a bathing suit. I've worked so hard for this...I can't blow it now. This month will be rough, but I'm sure I can do it. Please support me guys. This last month is critical and and I really feel like I'm slipping into bad habits again...

I really think i want to buy myself a "real" bikini this year. Not just a wal-mart/target suit (though I guess I wouldn't be opposed). I'm starting to finally have "confidence" and I feel like I earned it. Anyone have suggestions on places to look that won't break the bank?

156.6

Just keep swimming...

I haven't weighed in a few days and it's killing me. Came home from break to discover that our family no longer has a membership at the YMCA, so I'm gonna have to get creative without my stairmaster and whatnot. Luckily there's an old weight set upstairs that I'm going to try and use more often. Went walking with my mom around the neighborhood for about an hour today, so at least I didn't sit on my butt. Then I cleaned out the truck, which required some climbing and working (you don't realize how much work you do vacuuming out a vehicle and washing and whatnot!).

I really want to still be down another 15/20 lbs by this summer, but in all honesty I'm not 100% sure if that's possible. I'd be content with another 10ish, but I'd really like to hit those 140s.

In happier news, lots of people realized this weekend at fellowship that I've lost weight. Quite the ego boost to make me feel at least a smidge better about life. :)

Progress before/after. Nowhere near done, but hey, gotta keep trekking.

New weight: 158.8 lbs.

Rollin on

New weight: 161.4lb.

Fasting until my amount lost is greater than the amount to go.

...not really, but I am kicking it into over drive.

Valentine's day just reminds me how blah I've been lately, especially when it comes to workouts.

I need to lose more weight. Like, 20lbs of weight. Now.

Time to kick it up. Again.

76 days to do it.

Please God let that be enough time.

I really really REALLY can't believe that I wore some of these clothes 20+ pounds ago. What was I thinking?!

Also, after measurements today, I went up an inch in my thighs. :(

The Best/Worst Exercise You'll Ever Do

Let me start off by saying, if you don't like hard work, or you can't push yourself, stop reading.

Today at the gym, my trainer was incredibly excited because he and his friend Chappy had come up with a new "game" exercise and they decided they were going to try it out on me. Ladies (and gentlemen) I give you: The Weighted Inch Worm.

Daunting, right? Follow me on this.

Take a aerobic step; you know, the one that looks like this:

...take the top part and flip the step over. It should be have a sort of curved under belly.

Now, go and grab whatever weight you are comfortable with. I started out with at 45 pound plate and ended up going down to a 25 pound plate. These are similar to the ones I used:

Now, place the weighted plate at the back of the step and place your own two feet in the inside at the other end of the step. It should look something akin to this:

With your feet still inside the step, reach your hands out and straighten your back as if you're going to do a push up.

Fun part?

Instead of doing a push up, you're going to drag your feet into your chest, pulling the weighted step when them. Then move your arms back out into starting position and inch again.

It's difficult not to pull the weighted step without a jerking motion, but attempt as best as possible to pull with a sliding/gliding motion. Mimic this guy:

This is a great exercise for your legs, back, core....and there's even some cardio involved. Definitely give it a try!

It's a marathon...

it's a marathon, not a sprint
it's a marathon, not a sprint
it's a marathon, not a sprint
it's a marathon, not a sprint
it's a marathon, not a sprint
it's a marathon, not a sprint
it's a marathon, not a sprint
it's a marathon, not a sprint
it's a marathon, not a sprint
it's a marathon, not a sprint
it's a marathon, not a sprint
it's a marathon, not a sprint
it's a marathon, not a sprint
it's a marathon, not a sprint
it's a marathon, not a sprint
it's a marathon, not a sprint
it's a marathon, not a sprint
it's a marathon, not a sprint
it's a marathon, not a sprint

I need to remember this more often.

New Weight

164.0 lbs

Keep on treckin'. Haven't really been able to go to the gym because this week is a beast. :(

Maybe there has been a change....

Weight: 165.6 lb

Official weigh in on Sunday

Today I burned 1,117 calories on the elliptical.

…and then I did my standard weighted arm exercises + abs. Evan wants me to tone it down on the leg exercises.

I ate this morning a bit and did my first gym run and burned 450 calories. With the food I ate though, I was still at a -35 calories intake. Then we went out to dinner for my program. I had a cheese and spinach quesadilla that was well, mostly spinach. I did (before the quesadilla got there) have some chips and queso though. I’ve just gotten back from the gym tonight (round two) where I burned 667 calories and then did my standard other stuff.

So I have no idea where that puts me today in terms of positive or negative. I’m hoping pretty damn close to negative.

I know I say this a lot, but I am so very tired of being fat.

Lunch has consisted of things like --

Lettuce Leaf Tacos:

* 1/6 can of tuna (drained)

* 1/2 slice of tomato

* 1/2 slice of pepper (green)

* 1 tsp. of goat cheese w/ parsley

* 1 large lettuce leaf

Assemble things inside lettuce leaf like a taco. Roll and eat. I had 3 of those and I already feel like I've eaten too much today. And I haven't even made it past noon, really.

Today I've also had 9 almonds, a clementine, a small protein/power bar for breakfast. I made veggie/sweet potato chips in the oven last night and that's looking like dinner.

I would love to go back to bed and just sleep 'til I'm skinny. One can dream, right?

So I kinda want to punch a baby in the face

…but not the cute ones. Only the really ugly, deserving ones. Like the spawn of Satan ones.

Last guy I “dated” is in a relationship. Let me say, this religious nut more or less told me that I wasn’t good enough and that I wasn’t “religious” enough. The day after he tried to sleep with me.

Where is the karma in the world?

And to top it off, I’m down 20lbs since this this summer/beginning of October (when I actually started working on it)… TWENTY FUCKING POUNDS … and I feel like no one notices.

Yes. I’m shallow.

Yes, I would like someone to say, “Wow, you look good. Have you lost weight?”

Yes, I would like a boyfriend or SOMEONE to treat me like I’m godamned something special.

There is no justice in the world. I work my ass off and instead I get cast off.

And now I’m bawling. What’s up with ME tonight?

/rant&pityparty

Hit one of my goal weights. :)

I tried on skinny jeans, but since I'm still a size 10 regularly (ie, 12 in skinny jeans) I didn't get them. I'm still sticking with my goal of getting a pair before spring break. But I mean, yes, I have HELLA hips, but you know, they don't look atrocious to the point where I want to vomit looking at this picture.

In other news, I did get the top and a pair of yoga pants at Old Navy. I also got a few other at TJ Maxx. Super cute, but also able to work into my teaching repertoire .

i think i might be developing an eating disorder

This morning, the scale said 170.2. HOLY COW!

Friday the scale was like, 173.4ish. :D

I think my weight loss has taken over my life. I'm obsessed with it right now. To the point where I really do hate lookin' at myself in the mirror.

This is me 5 - 6 months ago. Why did no one before this tell me I was fat? Why was I allowed to wear this?

This honestly had/has me bawling.

So I very much went over on the restrictive amount of calories that I wanted to have today. But in slight defense, I went over with a skinny iced cinnamon dolce latte (which is like, 200-300 calories) and then things like Whole Grain Tuscan Linguine (less than 400 calories AND I didn't eat it all) and Thai Curry Soup (less than 200 calories) from Noodles & Company.

So it's not like I went for the massive sugar. But I wasn't a saint. And it's my last night home, so I didn't want to turn down my mom taking me to dinner or meeting Jenna for coffee. And I worked out today, though I was only on the machines for 30 minutes/300 calories. =/ Meeting Evan Friday. I'm so excited. I can't express.

I'm going to try to start restricting my diet to around 1500 a day + massive cardio. I'm also doing the European style of shopping with shopping every week instead of one and done. Hopefully this will help both with finances and with keeping fresh things in reach.

I packed a "lunch" for the trip back to Auburn tomorrow, so that I won't stop for fast food. It includes such goodies as:

• bottle of water (nalgene ftw)
• handful of baby carrots
• 9 almonds (did you know that 9 unsalted almonds is about a serving size?!)
• 2 fruit leathers
• handful of blackberries (yummy!)
• 1 sunsweet prune (okay, these are delicious!)

I mean, it's not really a meal, but I don't want to be driving and eating a meal anyway. It's supposed to just be enough to hold me over.

Drawback is I know I'll be so tired after tomorrow I probably won't want to head to the gym. Pray for me that I can find the strength for at least 30 minutes of cardio.

Food Today:

Breakfast:

• 1 bowl grape nuts
• 1 prune
• 1/2 cup milk (skim)
• 4 oz. juice

Lunch:

• 1 can tuna (drained)
• 1 serving white rice
• Salt + pepper

Dinner:

• 1/2 a (small) chicken breast, pan seared
• Small side salad
• Light ranch
• Banana

Crazy crap ton amounts of water. I was also at the gym and burned 670 calories (!!!) on the machine. This does not include the rump roping I did today as well, or the crunches I'm about to do before bed.

Yeaaaaa, so. I wrote down what I ate today. But I'm ashamed of dinner. So I'm not gonna bother posting. I'm gonna sleep instead.

Done and done.

Day's Intake

Breakfast:

• 1/2 cup oats
• 2/3 cup skim milk
• Small apple
• Water

Lunch:

• 1/2 cup white rice
• 1 can (drained) tuna, drained, salt + pepper
• Orange spice tea from H.T. Traders

Snack:

• Starbucks grande iced mocha, light (1/3 of the calories!)

Dinner:

• 3(ish) oz steak, grilled
• Green beans, olive oil, salt + pepper
• Water

Tonight a few friends are meeting at Steak and Shake for a get together before we leave for school. I may end up getting a Vanilla Milkshake (562 calories!!) but splitting it with a friend, which is much more tolerable.

I know that this isn’t one of those 500 calories a day diets. It’s probably much closer to a regular 2000 calories with the milkshake. But I can’t go from sinner to saint in a day. And I don’t plan on denying myself the ability to LIVE and be social.

I’ll post how I feel about this decision later tonight, I’m sure.