Alright, bring it on, new years!

I'm still going to be one of those cliche people. Lose weight for new years. Am I going to put an amount on it? No. I'm not going to try to quantify getting healthy. My goal is still get to around 150. But you know, if I get down to 155 by summer, I'm not really going to pitch a fit. Or rather, I hope I'm not going to pitch a fit. That would be unfortunate and juvenile.

Finally had a sit down talk with mom and she now (I hope) understands that she can't keep offering me bagels and cream cheese, pasta alfredo, pieces of pie. Not to say that I don't enjoy such amazing things, but come January first, I'm eating better. I've threatened it before, but I'm going on the "things that grow" diet. Carrots and almonds as snacks, lean chicken seasoned with salt and pepper. No more soy sauce, cheese, white bread and other processed junk foods.

I know I've threatened this before, and I know a lot of people say that it doesn't really work. Well, let me tell you guys something...for me, it does. I eat cleaner and it's hard as BALLS the first two weeks, but then it gets easier. My body appreciates it. I appreciate it. I sleep better. I feel better and damn do I look better.

...sadly, this also means no alcohol or liquor until things kick back up. GoodBYE tolerance. //sigh//

Also, I'm going to try to start having weekly weigh-ins. I'm also debating getting a pedometer. Once I figure out how much I walk on average in a normal day, I'm going to start making goals for myself that every day I have to walk more than the day before. I think this might be a fun "game" I can play with myself. The thought is, even if I'm just pacing during commercials, that's better than sitting on the couch, right?

Jill's gonna take me to Earth Fare for sure now, so I'm super excited. Let's please get this on track. Even if I'm back to my starting weight of 180 (please God let's hope not!) I can theoretically do 8-10lbs a month. So if I keep at it, in three months I can be where I want to be. Hamilton did it. Now I need to just find the intrinsic motivation for me to do it, too.

I heart my trainer. I sent him a text saying:

"Evan I miss you and your yelling at me! All these people do is make me fat." (T9 should have said eat instead of fat...oh well, same thing)

He emails me back with:

Hey! I don't yell at you btw. lol! Anyway...cardio is really all you need to worry about. So you've been doing well in that regard. Its actually a good idea to give your body a break from resistance training at least 2-4 weeks out of the year anyway trust me. But...I would like you to take the time out to do sets of Squats(Frog Squats-wide stance) and bicycles until you get back. Lets go for 5 sets of 20 for the squats and 5 of 1:00 for the bicycles every other day until you get back. Literally should take you all of 20 mins. Start tomorrow. See ya when you get back!

I really don't like the holidays. Well, okay, I do like the holidays because it's a break, I'm not held accountable with school and work and the like. But it's a catch 22 because all I seem to do is eat. And even if I'm being good and trying to stay away from the food, people seem for whatever reason to ask me if I want to continue eating. Oh, would you like some _________? Can I get you more of __________.

No thanks, Grandma. I'm fine on the pie/cookies/candy/etc. Really, I promise.

I'm ready for the school year to start. I want to get back on track. I want to be one of those girls again that holds myself accountable. I really need to find someone that will ride my ass about going to the gym and getting in my cardio. Cheerleaders are fantastic, but sometimes I need that person to call me out. "Hey, you ate like a cow yesterday. Go to the gym. Yes, I know you hate me right now, but you'll feel better afterwards."

I'll admit, while a lot of this weight loss/health change was because I wanted to do it for myself, somewhere deep down too I think I was doing it to prove to people like Daniel and Ryan and Josh and Paul and ANYone else that has found my expendable that I still have something worth being on the market. Even if they don't like me, even if they've sort of used me up, chewed me up and spit me back out, I still have something to walk down the street and be confident about. I want that confidence in myself and how I look. I want people to do a double take so I can feel like I've actually ACCOMPLISHED something. I've never been the whistled at kind of girl. I want to be that girl -- and I want people to realize that I'm something worth regretting -- both in personality AND looks.

I know that's a tough order to fill. I know it sounds like I'm looking for some guy to validate that I look good (enter tongue click, wink and head nod here), but in my mind while they may be connected, they're not synonymous. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else. I want to feel comfortable in my skin, and I still don't. When I felt the best weight wise? When I was in and out of counseling, stressed, depressed and not eating. I was 155ish. Now, I want to get to that weight again, but I do NOT want to get there in the same fashion. I can't do that to myself and I'm convinced that's part of why I gained weight senior year so quickly and easily.

It's hard not to get discouraged when I see people like my grand-big, Hamilton that can be so "christian-like" about what they eat and get AMAZING results. But being in school...being a student doesn't so much allow for that ease. My apartment is dark and I live alone and it's easy as all get out to just make macaroni and cheese instead of a salad.

Come new years I'm going to need a lot of help. A. LOT. If anyone can find easy (CHEAP recipes) for college kids, feel free to pass them along. I'm gonna go to Earth Fare when I'm back in Auburn and stock up on the fresh stuff (maybe I'll start scheduling a weekly grocery trip instead of "one and done" for the month), and I've talked to Jill about trying to do a juicing diet for a few days to do a detox of all the nasty nasties in my body.

A few years ago for Lent I only ate things that were growing -- fresh veggies, whole wheat if I had bread, if it was meat it was pan seared and that's it. I lost 10-15lbs in 40 days. I think I can do it again, if I have people giving me tough love.

At least, through all this eating, I still went to the gym and ran/walked for 30 minutes/2+ miles. With a cold. I should have done more, but at least it's not doing nothing.

Also, I bought a jumprope.

//sigh//

I can't begin to explain how discouraged I am right now.

Also also ALSO:

I cannot WAIT 'til I get good enough for this madness. BRING.IT.ON!

This is not the Nat, but it is equally as fun to watch. Maybe someday. :)

Cousin's taking me to the gym tomorrow. :D Yes free guest passes. :D

On another note, I'm gonna get serious eating wise when I get back to Auburn. I can say this, because I'm gonna have to COMPLETELY restock the fridge with food. I'm also gonna plan on when I'm eating (dinner will have to start being around 430 or so since class is from 5-8 and I don't want to eat AFTER that) and start being crazy with portion control. For example, baby carrots and almonds for a snack. No more sweet tea but for treats, no more chocolate, weeding out sugar in general...as well as weeding out bread. It's gonna be super tough, but I've still got Kris as a workout buddy, and Jill, and Lucy. And now Katie, too. :)

The goal is still down 20+ pounds by summer. But I would prefer to have it done sooner. At least 10+ by spring break. I have no idea what I weigh right now, but it's Christmas and frankly, it's probably a good idea I don't know.

I wish I had more self control like Hamilton. 70% of my issues are eating.

Also, I've added a new goal: I want to be able to run. I mean, okay, I can run physically, but even though I hate to actually do the physical aspect of running, I always wanted to be considered a runner. Odd, right? So I wanna be a "runner" by this summer. At least be in good enough shape that when the guys want me to play ultimate frisbee at camp I'm not wheezing.

Speaking of which, I should find people that want to play with me. Maybe Thursday pick up games with the girls in the program? Hmmm.

Also also, found this girl on tumblr that -- albiet -- is a whole lot skinner than me and she continues to drop, she's not starving herself and she's losing weight the healthy way. It's nice to read someone else's "bootcamp" blog. Makes me feel less alone in the world. :)

http://skinnystrong.tumblr.com/

Not losing weight is obnoxious.

Got my kayak todaaaaaay! Totally bummed that the first day of classes for it though will be pushed bak because of the national championship game. Wha. So, even though it's going to be a 8am on monday, I'm really excited.

It might be a little bit of a tmi, but I feel like I've lost weight...and then I change into clothes for the day. Things just don't fit like I want them too. I don't feel like I have massively huge thighs until I put on my workout/yoga pants. Not helpful when I saw that's what I really want to work on and my mom says "Good luck. That's genetics." Well, geeze Mom. Why even try if they're just always gonna be fat?

So I think I'm going have Monday and Wednesday next semester be abs and back day. (Monday will also be swimming cardio). Tuesday will be working out with Evan still, as well as the thursday/friday when I see him. Then the Wednesday + free day will be legs. Cardio every day, obviously.

I NEED to shed these last 20lbs or so. I'm so tired of being fat. Wha.

On a separate note, it's shark week and I want sweets sweets sweets. And to just eat. All the time. But I got off the couch and went to zumba today. My abs/core got quite the workout. Maybe I should take up salsa. Whoa nelly.

Went to the gym today. Found a new favorite machine that's a blend of elliptical and stair master. And it had a TV. So of course I trucked it out to NCIS. Geebus, I love that show. Abby's my favorite, followed closely by Tony. Hearts.

Anyway, this was after the bike.

I don't feel like I'm losing any weight, and with the food that I'm having while at home, I'm hoping that my trips to the gym are more maintaining than losing. I fully intend that once I return to school and have to start buying my own food again that pounds will become more hardcore.

I've also considered trying to find a part time job on top of my GTA. I mention this here because if I'm always super busy, then it will leave me less time to veg on the couch and eat bon bons all day (figuratively, since I don't think I've ever actually had a bon bon).

I want to eat my feelings. Even more so, I don' want to try to work out anymore. I just want to be thin. And just...ugh.

Quick post since there's nothing substantial.

Been eating like crap. Part of that's been because I've been traveling from Auburn to Clemson to Newberry to Clemson to Greenville to Charlotte (woof, what an interesting way home) and I've been too lazy to make myself food. In the few days I've been home though, I'm doing better. Working on getting to the gym -- was there the other day and walked/ran for an hour at least -- and I made a commitment to get myself into skinny jeans by spring break 2011. I'm so close to the 160s again it's crazy. Even if it's 169, somehow that makes me feel so much better than 170.

Also, I bought a Jillian Michael's DVD. She's the trainer from the biggest loser, if you don't know. I bought her 30 Day Shred which, let me say, after doing ONE work out on level one, I can see why it can be a doozy. Biggest thing though, is any work out will get you results...if you stick with it. My thought is to have this on standby for days where it's just too effin' cold to go outside, the gym is already closed and/or when I go up to Michigan. If it's 20 degrees here, it's gonna be even worse up north. Brrrr.

Didn't bring my scale home on break on purpose, though part of me still wishes I had. I kinda use it as a sort of keep me honest scale. But I also don't want to be one of those girls that's obsessed with the number, either. (Even though, to me, that number is incredibly important.)

Saw Ryan and he's dropping pounds like it's his job. Ugh. I need to do better. Damn guys ability to lose weight faster/better/whatever. CURSES.

I will be smaller by summer. I'm tired of being/feeling fat. I feel like at this point it doesn't even show. Lately I've felt bloated and nasty and just...large. Double chin, go away.

Addendum: Crappy phone camera, but I think I can see some waist slimming here. Could just be the shirt, angle, ect. //shrug//

WTF body. I'm down like, 4 pounds in 24 hours?

...stress diet much?

Ellipticalled it up tonight at the gym. 50 minutes, 450+ calories. Not too shabby.

Evan's got me working out with one of his clients now. Well, I text her and we meet up to do cardio together since we're both lazy. The thought is that we'll make each other more accountable. Tonight was the first time we met up. Next semester my school schedule and her work schedule are gonna make it easier for two a days. I have kayaking (SO EXCITED) Monday's at 8am (SO NOT EXCITED) but all my other actual classes aren't until 5pm-8pm. Sooo, late night gyming after everyone else leaves? Yes please.

Weight's going back up. Saw 174.8 today and almost cried. But it is exams AND after thanksgiving, so I give myself a smidge of leeway. But only a smidge. Slippery slope. Thank goodness mom renewed the Y membership. That place will be my home come break.

My goal for myself is to feel comfortable enough with my body and weight by spring break to purchase my FIRST pair of skinny jeans. I'm excited. A lot of work needed on my thighs, but I have the drive. I think.

HERE WE GO! KICK IT INTO OVERDRIVE!

I'm scared to get on the scale after thanksgiving. :(

So, I'm putting myself on a strict diet. Like, whoa. I'm also stepping up the gym.

I feel like Regina from Mean Girls. "I wanna lose three pounds."

Now Jennifer's coming back to camp.

Which means I'm not longer going to be the skinny, pretty one, no matter how hard I try. I'm just not built to be.

I got stressed about this situation and went running. Had a meeting with Barron and Homesley Orthopedic Specialists today. Apparently I have Patella Femoral Syndrome, or Chondromalacia (also known as runner's knee). Long story short, there's a mis-alignment in the groove of my knee which is causing the pain. They want me to go to PT for it, but in looking things up online, the more I strengthen the muscles around my knee, it should help counteract the pain and strengthen the whole joint.

One exercise that should help a lot is swimming, so I'm going to try to start that up again. Also just general leg hamstring/quad exercises.

Good news is, they don't recommend surgery for this deal. Woo.

Broke down today and got me some corn nuggets. Almost got a burger, but made myself feel less guilty by getting a turkey burger instead. Ate most of the corn nuggets, but half of the burger. Not TOO bad. Not awesome, but not too bad.

I have this growing obsession with eating chicken. I think it's because it's easy to cook, can be cooked in 50 bajillion different ways and it's relatively inexpensive. :)

I won't lie though, I'm CRAVIN' me some burgers. Like, ohmygaga.

My scale this morning is trying to tell me I ate over 3 pounds of food yesterday.

I disagree. I mean, I know I had some goodies like pumpkin roll and pumpkin pie, but not 3 pounds. That plus shark week I think is throwing me off. I'll measure again on Monday.

Today (well, I guess yesterday at this point) I did 45 minutes on a steep incline and then 10 more minutes on the elliptical while waiting for Evan. Then I did a craaaaap ton of leg stuff. After the last machine, I couldn't walk straight. We'll see how I feel tomorrow.

While at the beginning of the day I was feeling good about my workout, tonight I went to a pot luck thanksgiving dinner. Everything was AMAZING and tasty, but I feel like I negated whatever working out I did. Oh well.

Also, I've got two weeks of tanning, so I'm doing that. I don't know why, but being, well, NOT translucent and pale always makes me feel better about myself. Like I'm not as pale, so I'm not as sickly. I look healthy, so I feel healthy? Not sure. Either way, it's only for two weeks as a push through Thanksgiving so I don't lose that motivation.

172.6

That is all. Well, that is all, aside from the gym at noon. Bring. It. On.

I'm so close to the 160s I can taste it.

To quote a good friend "It's Shark Week."

This is gonna throw my whole everything outta whack.

Also, also...

I know I say I hate running (which is true) but tonight I made that treadmill my bitch. I ran 1.25 miles straight. And in less than 15 minutes. I haven't done that since I don't know when. Not necessarily the time, but normally I can't run HALF a mile without getting winded.

TAKE THAT, KNEES!

I had grilled chicken for dinner.

That wouldn't have been so bad if I'd been able to say "no" to the Texas Toast. //sigh// It wasn't even worth it. I just ate it because it was THERE, not because it was really worth eating.

Anyway, I've been taking these Glucosamine Chondroitin Complex and it's REALLY helping out my knees. I've had a bit of soreness, but no shooting pains. I'm excited. It means that Evan and I are gonna start workin' on more legs and whatnot. Which in turn, means I can hopefully get rid of these thunder thighs.

Also, I've got this new motivation. Ryan dropped some knowledge that he's doing the intensity work outs (maybe it's insanity? I don't know...but it's that apparently P90x on steroids junk). This is unacceptable! Okay, I mean, he can totally do whatever he wants. But apparently his little brother in Theta Chi dropped like, 30 lbs in 60 days and I'm lookin' at 10 ish in almost 3 months. WHAT THE MESS!

I wanted to be the one that returned to camp and everyone went "omg you look great!" RYAN WILL NOT TAKE THIS MOMENT FROM ME! Rawr.

I'm starting to actually run. Like, legit, get on the treadmill and start bookin' it. It's tough. I don't run. At all. Ever. I can power walk like a beast, but I don't have stamina. But lately I've had energy, so I'm trying to channel that constructively. Right now I'm breaking it down. "Today I'll run a full .4 miles. Tomorrow I'll run a full .5 miles. Two days from now I'll run a full .6miles." I know that might seem silly to some, since running comes naturally to a lot of people, but I'm not kidding when I say I can't do it. It hurts my chest, my knees. I just ache and it's not enjoyable at all. BUT, no pain no gain and even when I just ran a straight .3miles the amount of calories I burned was significantly higher then when I do the stairmaster (DEVIL) or the bike.

So here it goes, double time. Any support, as always, accepted and appreciated. :)

Shit just got serious.

I was offered (and I accepted, I'm no idiot) the WaterFront Director position for camp this upcoming summer. That means staff week + seven weeks of working in a bathing suit around 11-17 year old boys. The thing with 11-17 year old boys...they will tell it how it is. If they think you're fat, you will know.

And while I still plan on wearing athletic shorts over my suit every day, I don't think that will be enough to cover my shame if I'm called fat by children for almost two months. Just sayin.

Also, I'm poor now. Like, legit poor. Which is why I'm now on the "I can't buy food" diet. I had pork and beans for dinner. //sigh//

Oh well. Mom won't let me give up my gym membership though. We actually fought about that.

Nothing makes me feel fatter than when I try to buy new clothes.

I've started two-a-days. And I saw 173 on the scale today. Not sure if that's for real of if it'll go back up to the 175ish range I've been seeing.

But yesterday I went and did cardio for almost an hour. Biked 11+ miles and near 400 calories. Then some weights and squats.

Today was just triceps and quads with Evan, then a little bit of abs. I'm gonna go back later for cardio today. Well, that's the plan anyway. :) Not sure why, but I've been in a FANTASTIC mood lately. :D

Also -- I can already tell my arms are gonna hurt tomorrow.

Yea, I know I haven't posted in awhile. My weight is going up, so nothing on the milestones front. I'm hoping it's because I'm nearing that time of the month and retaining water. But I did go to the gym twice today and got in at least an hour and a half of cardio plus weights in total.

Keep trying. Keep going. I've started working in some carbs because I've been so tired. But if my weight keeps going up, I might cut them out again. We'll have to see.

Went in for measurements again today. It's been 1 month and I'm down 1.5" in my arms/thighs/calves and a little over 3" in my waist. I guess I'll take that. According to the scale at the gym I'm still 177, though that's weighing with shoes, shorts, shirt, etc. At home I'm now 173.2. Not really a significant drop so I'm not going to put it up in milestones. I will update that on the first, though. So look out!

My goal is to be at 170 or less by Thanksgiving week.

It's official. 174.6! :D

I did not go to the gym today because I decided I needed sleep after this week.

I feel like poo because I haven't gotten my cardio. I wouldn't say I feel like a failure, but damn I do feel guilty. To an extent, I guess this is a good thing.

Luckily my mom still has her YMCA membership -- which means I'll be cardio-ing it up even when I'm home this weekend. :D

...except sunday. I'll be in the car aaaaaall day Sunday. That's what I get from going Charlotte --> Newberry --> Auburn.

So I'm not going to put this in the milestones yet because I don't post it until the number shows up consistently, but this morning was 174.6. Number keeps dropping and I keep getting happier.

Next week when I get back from home I'm gonna start two-a-days. Cardio in the morning, cardio + circuit training/abs in the evening.

My knees hurt SO badly. Can I please just go to the doctor tonight? November 22nd seems so far away for an MRI...

On the bright ("bright") side, Evan had me do 100 sit ups. In a row. Buh... this was the "warm-down."

So the main trainer at the gym, Kevin? Just found out his real name is Paul.

I also forgot to update: 176.4lb.

Not much, but still going down. Friday I was 181.6ish...

Back to the gym again today! Tired as all get out. I want carbs...I actually had a dream about eating a pulled pork sandwich last night. But yesterday I was good and had oatmeal for breakfast, peanuts, a fruit and nut granola bar and a huge breast of chicken that I pan seared in light olive oil (with a bit of salt, pepper and italian seasoning on top so it wasn't dry). Skim milk, two small glasses of apple cider (there was a breakfast thing for our practicum and it was the best thing to have and still be social/not rude) and a lot of water.

I know milk wasn't really in the "plan" and neither was the juice...I'm supposed to be doing just water, but I still think I'm doing pretty well. Considering I tried to start on Saturday...and then blew it Saturday and then on Sunday when I had the hangover from hell (three slices of bread, a bowl of oatmeal and 1/2 a pot of mac and cheese). Yikes.

Today is weight training + cardio, which means I can eat fruit. Tomorrow is cardio, thursday is cardio, friday is cardio and weights, saturday is cardio....

As you can see a lot of cardio is in my future.

...in other news, I have an MRI scheduled for the week of Thanksgiving. Well, tentatively planned. Dad's calling today and he's got that whole, doctor-to-doctor connection. :)

I had the "I'm discouraged, I don't want to pay for this anymore" conversation with Evan today. And he also pulled in big man Kevin.

I won't say that they talked me out of it, but they did convince me to stick with it for at least another month. This week to jumpstart and "show me results" I'm more or less on the atkins -- at least in the sense that there's no carbs like pasta, white rice BREAD. Lots of veggies, oatmeal, fruit in the morning and chicken, lean turkey and fish.

Looks like I'm going back to the store for more protein-ish things likes almonds.

Also, Kevin gave me a nickname since I've been comin' long enough. Since I went to clemson, he's gonna call me "Baby Cat"

The scale is going up. Why is the scale going up? I'm living on rice cakes and prunes. Okay, not really...but I am eating prunes and not eating "fatty" foods like cheese, chips, cookies, chocolate. This girl in class keeps bringing in chocolate meringue...and I haven't had any. I haven't had cookies or halloween candy or brownies that people bring into class. I make chicken with salsa instead of bacon or cheese. I go for italian dressing instead of ranch.

Why is the scale going up? I feel fatter than ever. I've upped my cardio, I've been doing my weight training. I spend more time moving than sedentary...NOTHING is changing.

I really did just have a huge cry fit. 75% of the clothes in my closet don't fit anymore in the BAD way. I'm frustrated and dishing out a lot of money to get help with this and I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of being fat.

I just want to look like I've made some progress next time I see people from home. I've been here since August 10th and I'm only fatter than I was.

dear stairmaster

I hate you

Love Amy

Evan had me more or less pushing a tire yesterday. My back is sore a all get out, but I like it.

Threw out 90% of my junk food in the apartment -- cheese, 1/2 opened chip bags, candy, etc...as much as I say "oh, I just won't eat it," we all know we cheat.

Still no change in weight or size. I'm starting to get majorly frustrated, even though I've been reading up online, reading the stuff people send me, going to be earlier, eating better.

Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn.

I saw a 7 on the scale today...and it was not preceded by an 8. :) And the reason I'm happy about this, even though it was 179 was because it was after eating and working out.

Evan says he sees toning. Our goal to see marked improvement is October 20th.

I realized today when Evan was making me do leg lifts that the back of my thighs are friggin' ROCKS. My inner/outer thighs still need a lot of work, but what used to be an all over jiggle is now a selective jiggle.

Still kinda frustrated and waiting to see some changes other than that. But I'm upping my cardio a lot (if only it weren't so BORING), so we'll see. Plus Dauge was awesome enough to send me some helpful websites I'll be perusing later on. I do stress quite often, but I really think that after a month or so I should be down at LEAST five pounds, right?

Too bad I'm not... :/

Bout to head out and go swimming. Evan measured me for a progress marker yesterday and I'm still 180ish lbs.

I want to look like this again. Not "fat" not "skinny" but toned and shaped. And this was only a year ago.

Today I had a starbucks pumpkin spice latte and a beer. I don't think that's part of my diet. :(

Today I've had a peach and two pb&j sandwiches. But I've also gone and swam. I forgot how much I love swimming.

I still haven't stepped on the scale yet. Yesterday I felt good about not getting on it. Today I feel fat as hell. I'm still struggling into my jeans. Damn thighs.

Meeting Evan tomorrow at Noon.

I hurt. So so so much.

Talked with Evan today about how I'm worried about the fact that I'm not seeming to make any progress. I don't feel it and I don't see it in the mirror.

His way to make me feel better?

He promised me that if he can't get me down a pant size by October 1st, I'll get a free session. My deal is I have to keep eating well like I have and put away the scale until October 1st.

He promises that by the time I go for my get together with camp people in December I'll have made substantial progress. Here's to hoping!

My weight this morning was 182.4

I was really kinda upset.

Updated my milestones. 179.6. Not where I wanted to be at this point...at all...but at least the number isn't going up!

Abs hurt a bit, but not as much as I was hoping or expecting.

Went to the gym again today and worked out with Evan. Last workout when we did legs, I wasn't really sore except for a little bit in my gluts.

Today we did abs. Right now I don't hurt too much, but when I went to get my haircut and laid down in the chair, it was pretty hard to get up in order to sit up. So, we'll see. If not, I'm gonna sassy the hell outta Evan.

I didn't eat much yesterday, like, at all. I tried to make pancakes with fresh strawberries, but I could only stomach about half of one. And then I was in class for forever, so I was drinking water with one of the "xenadrine ultra" (different form of Slimquick deal) and by the time I got to eat again, I was so famished I felt like I was going to pass out. NOT fun at all. I met MTPCers at Niffers and had a few corn nuggets, but then had chicken chili with beans and a salad. I had about 1/3 of the chili and 1/2 the side salad. Part of that was because I was feeling so nauseous that I didn't want to force myself to eat.

Note to self though, the Xenadrine stuff works, because it curbs your appetite, but if you don't eat any food for like, 6 hours while you're sipping on it, you WILL puke up the bile like substance afterwards. It hurt...

Note to self: don't eat honey. Or peanut butter.

On another note, I'm upset because my weight is going UP, not down. The only way I've seen my weight ever go down is if I don't eat...which hurts me more in the long run. I can't go up anymore because then my clothes won't fit. :(

Met with Evan today. I had the request going in that afterwards I wanted to hurt. We did plenty of legs, starting with squats on the machine and ending with free squats/lunges with the a dumbbell bar. We also did some leg pushes and quad exercises.

I like doing leg workouts, especially since my thighs could kill people, but a lot of the times I'm finding it destroys my knees.

Still having trouble on the "eating" portion. I feel guilty after everything I eat, good or bad. =/

I'm trying very hard to get back into the routine. I'm meeting with a trainer on most Tuesday and Thursdays getting set on a regular track. Right now it's more training me on the machines and then he's going to set me up with a program every week.

To be honest, the hardest thing for me is the eating. I just plain old eat too much. Or rather, I eat the wrong stuff. For example -- I hope when you all know just how bad peanut butter is for you. Atrocious.

So I'm going to put myself back on the "diet" I did during lent a few years ago. I'm only going to eat what grows. And that I mean by that is I'm going to eat more raw, healthy foods that I will burn quicker. Cheese doesn't grow, neither does peanut butter or jelly. If I want sweet, I'll have honey. If I want protein, I'll eat AN egg. If I have chicken, it will be pan seared or baked in the oven with just enough oil in the pan so it doesn't stick or burn. No more butter, no more chocolate, no more any of that.

Drinks, I'll have just water and milk.

This is going to suck, but I'm tired of being fat. My hips don't lie and I'm looking like my genetics.

Restart

I failed at my first attempt. But I'm starting over. Starting again. So here we go.

I've got a personal trainer now. I should start to set up meetings with him in the next week. I have a membership at Gold's Gym that *I* have to pay for, as opposed to being lumped in with school's tuition. My thought process is I don't like to waste money. This should get my butt in gear.

As an introduction to the "get your butt in gear" program, I had a, well, not a full workout the other day, but more of an introductory this is how it goes. I walked around the gym with Nathan and he made me do a few leg workouts.

And holy hell I can't walk anymore. My quads are tight. My ass, twice as tight. It hurts to sit down (which you can imagine as a girl means, if I can hold it, I've been holding it to avoid the up and sitting position).

But you know what, I complain now, but this is what I wanted. I wanted a person to hold me accountable and help me realize that I can do this. To this point I've had support of people, but not really motivation. I have a love hate relationship with tough love. I hate getting it, but it seems to be the only thing that really works for me. So here I am, hating it. But here I am, too, pushing through and getting it done. It's damn time I did something for me.

The new goal? Down 30-40lbs by next summer. Ie, before I head back to camp. I think I can do it. I know I can do it, now that I have someone to help point me in the right direction.

I'm 4lbs from being obese. I'm 30%+ body fat. Which is 50+ lbs of pure fat I'm carrying around.

I'm ready to get rid of it. I'm tired of being the fat girl.

Sooo, I know I haven't been posting. But in my defense, it was my birthday weekend then I promptly left to go play in the woods for two months. I'm home this weekend to see Scott graduate.

Camp is going to work my fat/lazy badunk a dunk into shape though. Geeze louise.

today was a bad day. let's just leave it at that.

Day 15

soooo, I went to the gym twice today. Once for myself. Once for ZUMBA.

I guess there's not much to report. Zumba today really hurt my knee. It was a different instructor than Monday, and while she was good, I think Jatrine (I think that was her name) on Monday was a lot more fun. I mean, having a "dance off" to "apple bottom jeeeeans. Boots with the fuuuuuuuur" ...yeah, it's a party.

Jenna and Abby both came to Zumba today, though. Loads of fun. I burned somewhere about 500+ calories today. Not too bad, I'd say.

I still feel uncomfortable in my body, but I found a suit that doesn't make me feel like a sausage piece of lard. I consider that a win.

Also, update on weight: Scale now reads 180. Two weeks and down 5lbs. I'll take it.

Day 13

So, I ate pretty well today -- salad, chicken, etc.

But the workout...I went to ZUMBA! Omg if you've never done Zumba, it's amazing. I see why the craze has caught on. I was hot and sweaty, in a room of who KNOWS how many other people, but somehow I felt good about myself. And I'm really glad that Jenna was there with me. :)

Day 12 (?)

I think today is day 12?

So, I'm not going to post about food, cuz well, I'm sure you all don't have any interest in what I ate today. There was oatmeal, steak, fruit...don't know how many calories.

I haven't missed a day at the gym since the upholstery guy. But to be honest, I'm getting really discouraged. I go to the gym and do 30 minutes of cardio every day -- enough to get me into what the nutritionist told me was the "fat burning zone" ...somewhere between the 120s and 135. I rode the bike today until the guy next to me put on headphones and started singing. Loudly. And tappin' his belly like a drum. And smelling. Badly. And then popped open a coke. Ugh. So, I guess 48 minutes is gonna have to be enough on the bike. =/ I did do some weights though. Not too much. Some abs/arm/back.

I keep saying I'm going to go and just run, but it hurts my knees and I get bored so easily. I'm starting to think I'm not going to be able to make the AF standards by the end of the summer and it's really disheartening. I work out and try a lot...pay attention to what I eat. But I still feel fat, ugly and out of shape. I know it's not going to happen overnight, but...ugh. I dunno.

As is I'm still wearing baggy clothes and gym stuff. I wore "real clothes" the other night and felt like a sausage. :(

Day 8 and 9

I guess I'll just make up for both in a larger post.

Workout wise I think I've just been focusing in cardio. I've been going on the treadmill and/or bike for about an hour, burning somewhere between 400-600 calories, depending. I work up a good sweat doing it. I'm not falling over gasping for air, but I do get a good bit of exercise in. I do the treadmill at a pretty steep incline, so sometimes my arms hurt just from holding onto the bars so I don't go backwards. Yesterday I watched Law and Order, today was CSI. Love me some CSI.

I was pretty much dormant for the day, but I had poached egg on toast, a meal bar, apple and peanut butter and made myself a HONKIN' salad tonight. Water as usual, though I did have a glass of fruit juice, too.

My sleep schedule has been kinda messed up, so I haven't been able to make it to the gym twice a day like I normally do, but tomorrow I'm going to be damned and determined to go twice.

Mom said today that the "working out is starting to show" but it's only been a week so I think she's just being nice. I pretty much still feel fat and ugly.

In good news -- I'm down to 181. Hopefully that means I can get down to 170s before the month is over.

Day 7

Workout: Um, I didn't. And I feel really bad about it. I was exhausted this morning so I slept in. The upholestry guy was supposed to be here to pick up my chairs/couch today, as well as my mom's rockers. He was supposed to be here I THOUGHT early afternoon. But turns out he wasn't supposed to come until 3. And then he was running late. And then we ended up rescheduling for tomorrow around 5. Then I was going to go to the gym, before mom popped the "the boys have a band concert tonight at 7." So yeah. It didn't happen.

The food: Two poached egg on toast for breakfast. 1/2 a roast beef sub from Harris Teeter. A stick of gum. A slim-fast snack bar. An apple with peanut butter. Lots and lots and lots of water. I don't know what the calories on that are. I'm too lazy to type it in. =/

It's been a week, so tomorrow I'll update with weight.

Day 6

The workout: So, I didn't do any weights today. Well, I started to do a few weights, but I got bored and I actually decided that I should probably go and do more cardio. So I biked for ~5.5 miles/30 minutes and then decided to walk on a 15 degree incline for another 30 minutes. In total I burned (at least cardio wise) 500-600 calories.

The food: I consumed close to 2,000 calories today. :( I mean, what I ate was good...ish. According to calorie count online I made a B+ for the day on calorie intake.

Fat - 35.9%

Pro - 30%
Carb - 34.1%
Alcohol - 0%
Other - 0%

I'm trying to only intake about 1,500 calories a day though, so I'm going to have to alter what I've been eating. Today I ate shredded wheat w/ milk, a slimfast snack bar, a cob salad w/ peppercorn ranch, whole wheat pasta w/ diced tomatoes, parmesan cheese and biscuits.

Tomorrow I'm going to go back to the gym and not leaving until I burn at least 1,000 calories.

Day 5

Here we go!

Workout: Went to the gym today. Only ran about 2 miles cuz the lady next to me was very annoying. "Do these things work? Mine doesn't work..." I lean over and press a button and PRESTO, it works. Man, I'm magic. :)

After the running (which, okay, was at the jog setting and I power walked it instead -- harder than it seems), I went back to the weights. More abs -- something like 150 I think on one machine. Then I moved to the rowing machine, then the trunk rotation. Afterwards I was feeling alright, but wanted to do some more. So I moved to the back of the room and stretched out my legs which I could feel cramping, then did some work with the medicine ball. I think I've pretty much decided that I'm taking my medicine ball with me when I head to camp. It was only an 8lb ball but holy crap. I did the suspended crunch position and just swung the ball from side to side. My obliques hurt so badly after a few sets. :(

The Food: Started off the day late because I slept in and just didn't go downstairs. Had a bowl of strawberries and cream instant oatmeal from Quaker (SOOO GOOD!). Then there was also a handful of baby carrots, two poached eggs on whole wheat toast w/ a slice of cheese, and a corn on the cobb. To be honest, there were also cheesy potatoes and catfish on the plate for dinner, but I just couldn't bring myself to eat more than a bite of catfish...and I just flat out wasn't hungry. Later when I put in the calories into this count my calories thing online, it only came up to like, 550-650 calories (depending on what portion size I put for the carrots and however you quantify "one nibble on a piece of seared catfish"). No good. So after the persistence of friends, I had a peanut butter and banana sandwich. Still not up to the whatever calorie mark I should be...but to be honest, I just wasn't hungry! And at the time it was when I was counting the calories, I really kinda would have been counter productive to be like, hmm, let me just eat right before bed so I can get up to my caloric intake.

I know I'm in the middle of doing cardio (to lose weight) and doing weight training (to get stronger/tone, etc), so I'm not expecting my weight to drop radically. To be honest, it's not so much the number that scares me, but the way I feel and look. If I weighed 180 lbs but was all muscle, I'd be okay with that. Well, maybe not 180, but you know what I mean...

Day 4

Okay, so yesterday I *did* go to be without posting.

Anyway, quick recap, cuz I'm not sure if anyone actually reads this things or not.

Yesterday I made it to the gym around 5 or so and worked out until oooh, 630ish. I ran/walk/jogged on the treadmill for 45 minutes while watching "US Marshals" with Tommy Lee Jones. Then I went and worked it out on the machines for a bit. Went really hard on the abs yesterday with nearly 200+ on the ab machines with fairly high weight. I did them in sets of 50 with about a minute or so rest in between. I also did the row machine, hoping it would help me get rid of some of the back fat I've accumulated. :( Then FINALLY got on the torso twist thing and did more heavy weights on that. I think I'm going to try to work out on this machine a little bit more, because it works my obliques as well as my abs.

As for eating, yesterday was HORRIBLE. I had a bowl of cereal to start, and a Clif Bar before the gym, but throughout the day I also had a bagel and cream cheese, a soft pretzel stuffed with feta cheese and spinach, a pulled pork bbq sandwhich (Chilis) and a small greek salad with a cup of cream of mushroom soup (City Tavern). Mom and I went to the movies yesterday morning to see "How to Train Your Dragon" and she wanted to take me out to lunch. Hence City Tavern. Then later that evening, she didn't want to cook, so we went to Chilis. Sadly, I also had a small margarita, which was FANTASTIC, but it was also the first alcoholic beverage I've had in awhile (when I said I wouldn't) and it's also the first non water/milk thing I've had.

For anyone that's intersted, here's the table of fitness I hope to be able to pass by the end of the summer. I have to get the minimum in each category, as well as a cumulative point score of 75+. Obviously, I'm trying for above a 75. Ironically, one of my hardest things will just be the waist size. My hips (at the bone) are like, 38, while my true waist (higher up) is a 34 or 35. I'm hardcore honest hourglass figure. And for reference, yes, I'm the Females <>

http://www.afpc.randolph.af.mil/shared/media/document/AFD-090820-144.pdf

Oh well.

I'll post later today on what I've done.

Day 3

Oh man, I ALMOST went to bed without posting! Travesty!

Anyway, I went to the gym again today. No classes, but I went around 11am and started off with my regular cardio. I went really hard again and at a decent clip, though I really didn't feel the fatigue until there were about 7 minutes left in my run. I'll take that as a positive step. :) Afterwards I did a few more ab workouts on the machine I mentioned earlier. And then I worked on the row machine. But, they're not the row machines that are at Clemson. I think it was called something like a "partial row" because you can alter the weight instead of simply pulling back like you do at Fike. Anyway, came back from a workout absolutely drenched in sweat, but I was feeling pretty good.

Later in the evening I was feeling well, just bored. So went back. I had originally planned when I woke up to simply take the day easy by only going to the gym once that day, but I figured, well, what else am I doing with my life right now? There weren't any classes that were particularly appealing on Friday night, so I just went and ran again. I only made it 1.25miles, but considering that's added to my usual 2.3~2.5 miles I did in the morning, I think I was okay. The reason I ran only 1.25miles, though, was because I'm trying to see where I am in terms of endurance. By the end of the summer, I want to be able to run 1.5miles in under 15 minutes. It seems now that (with the clip I was going and on the elliptical...which is much different than actual running) at the 15 minute mark I can only get to 1.25 miles. It's not that far of a way off, but it still leads to much work that needs to be done.

Anyway, after the running I went back on the ab machine. Since I'm most self-conscious at the moment of my emerging muffin top and general "fluff" I've been trying to focus on this area. So I did some heavier weights than this morning, but nothing TOO killer. Small weight, high reps. That's what I've been told, right? So I did a few of those, then I went to the row machine, again. And I did do heavier weight on this. Even now as I tense my shoulders I can feel how tight the muscles are in my back.

Obviously there aren't any results yet, but I'm hoping that if I keep up this regime, SOMETHING will happen. I only have access to the Y and the machines until the end of May, so I'm trying to get my money's worth.

As for food, I had a lot of cereal. And by a lot, I mean 3 bowls of shredded mini wheat. Yummy! I also had a Clif Bar (really not that bad and packed with protein), dinner (which consisted of pulled pork w/ hot sauce), and veggies with a bit of ranch. What I really think killed my diet today though is I went to the movies with my brother and he and I shared a bit of popcorn. I had some, yes, but at least I stopped myself when I realized 1) probably not good for you and 2) I was full.

Well...until next time!

Day 2

Today I woke up at 8am to try and make it to bootcamp "class" at the Y at 9:15am. Well, it's safe to say that I did make it in time, but I couldn't find the class! It was supposed to be in the gym, which is where I went first. But the place was empty and really just filled with basketball junk. So I wasn't quite sure if they had moved it outside, like the schedule said they were sometimes ought to do. So I went over to the desk and asked the man if he knew where the class was meeting. He said the gym or the "southside."

Now, let me interject here. I could have gotten into a conversation with him saying that the gym was currently empty and it was now 9:05am. And I also could have asked him to direct me towards the southside. This man, however, was mentally retarded. That being said, he was the absolute sweetest person I've met. He spoke much slower than everyone else, and it seemed like he struggled with his words, but by no means was he slow or dumb; I knew that he was absolutely trying his hardest. So I decided rather than get into a taxing conversation, or worse, being rude and asking to "speak to someone else" I just smiled at him and said thanks. I walked out to my car, grabbed my iPod and headphones, headed back in and traded out my keys for a locker key. He was really sweet and said "here you go! Have a nice day." I smiled and said thank you very much. He smiled again as I left and I couldn't help but want to just give him a hug. He was absolutely precious!

ANYWAY, so yeah, I didn't make it to bootcamp, but I did still work out in the gym. I got back onto the elliptical machine thing and hit it pretty hard. I went at it for a straight 30 minutes at a pretty heavy clip. 30 minutes, 2.5miles and well over 300 calories burned. I really wanted to just stop after about 20 minutes because it was getting hard for me to breathe, I was bored, I ached from yesterday and I just kinda didn't want to do it anymore. But I pushed forward and became my own drill seargant, telling myself that if I can't make it a measly 30 MINUTES on this thing, how can I possibly thing I'm going to get in shape? If by the end of the summer I want to be running 1.5 miles in under 15minutes, I'm going to have to suck it up, baby doll. So I did. I pushed through. It hurt like hell, but I pushed through.

After my elliptical run, I made it over to the abs machine. Let me tell you, this one is amazing. I loved the ones at fike -- specifically the one where you just push your body weight forward, even if it did hurt my bo0bs. But this one is made so much simpler in that you just take to handles and push they forward. In doing so, you really REALLY work your core. I was a little sore from yesterday, but after about 10 minutes off this machine, I could already feel my abs tightening. I did something like, 35lbs, but I did them in reps of 50. So, 3 reps in and I was spent and my abs were shaking. Then I did a few of the torso twist deals, but it seemed at this point that I was just becoming famished. So I called it quits, knowing that I'd be back later in the day anyway.

When I came home, I couldn't find many "breakfast" things (it was only around 11:3o) so I just made myself a turkey and cheese sandwich. I guess I should interject that I did have a meal bar before the gym, as well as a substantial amount of water, so I wasn't working out on an empty stomach. I tried to do relatively well today in terms of food. But it's hard because my mom doesn't seem to want to help me in the "eating less" department. If I say "sure, I'll have a small salad" she loads it up with cheese and croutons and buttermilk ranch dressing. After a nap today, my stomach was absolutely growling -- and after I realized I wasn't going to be satisfied with water, I had a cup of vegetarian chili...which my mom put a large amount of sharp cheddar on. Tonight, for dinner, mom decided we were having burgers. //sigh// I'm watching my portions on what I eat, but Mom's vice is cheese -- so it seems that anything we eat MUST have a large smattering of cheese attached. She says that I shouldn't "stop eating" just because I'm trying to lose weight. Very ironic, coming from the woman who's breakfast AND lunch combined consists of an apple and an orange. Yeah, Mom. Who stopped eating? You're 55 years old, shorter than me and you weight 135lbs.

Either way, I digress. Today was kinda bad on the "what I ate" scale, but I've only had water and milk to drink, and I didn't have any sweets today.

And like I said, I did manage to go BACK to the Y today for a second run. Well, not a run. Jenna -- who was iffy if she would be able to make it or not cuz she was a bit sick feeling -- and I made it to one of the classes. FINALLY! We had Renee for the Hip Hop Hustle class. Let me tell you, this woman is insane and intense. But she's also absolutely fabulous and has more spunk and personality. She could easily pass for a suburban housewife with her short bob and nice demeanor, but she struts into the room with a shirt she's cut up to "funkify" and literal high tops from the 80s. It was amazing. For the next 55 minutes I justified the fact that yes, I am white and even more, yes, that means I can NOT dance. My limbs are awkward and lanky. And maybe it's just me being very much too awkward of my own body, but I felt slightly uncomfortable doing things like the hip thrusts and the body rolls. At least, for the first 30 minutes or so I was self conscious. After that I just really didn't care and just tried to do my best. This woman, not really beat the snot out of me, but she definitely gave me one helluva cardio work out. At the end, Jenna couldn't breathe and I felt like an absolute cripple because my knee hurt so much (and yeah, I was wearing the brace), but it was TOTALLY worth it. I think Jenna and I are going to try and make more of her classes.

Anyway, I think that's a good days worth of posting. Thanks, blogger-verse. :)

Day One

So, let's see. Today I heard back from the doctors. Even though I've somehow managed to go from 155 lbs to 185lbs in 3-4 months, it is NOT in fact, a thyroid or other bodily issue. It seems to be that somehow, I really did just let myself go that fast. Again, I'm not really sure how, but I did. Hmm.

All the same, this is the road to recovery.

Today I managed to hit the gym for a hour or so. I bought a knee brace at Wal-mart prior, along with some Slim-fast bars, since they really weren't too expensive. Turns out the knee brace was a smooth move, because I think somewhere along the way I may have tweaked it a bit. And by may have tweaked it I mean I walk kinda funny know (especially on stairs). I'm not sure what I've ever done to it -- it's an "old injury" from when I was back in middle school and running hurdles. Dad said at the time it was okay, but now it seems to hurt when I do a lot of running/cardio type exercise.

ANYWAY, I digress. Went to the gym. Pounded it out on this elliptical type....thing. You can have 3 different settings depending, either strides like going up stairs, strides like running, or strides more like lunging. I kept it most of the time in the stair step area to work my legs and glutes. After 30 minutes/2.3~ Miles/300+ calories I vacated and made my way over towards the ab machine. I worked out on abs for about 10 minutes before I realized this couple was looking like they really wanted to use the machine.

After that I decided to head home because 1) I was REALLY hungry and 2) my knee was really hurting, despite the brace. Plus at this point I was under the impression that I was going to be going to the gym again with Jenna later in the evening. Needless to say I didn't make it to the gym because my knee still felt pretty much like it was going to explode. :(

All the same, I spent they day pretty much still moving and grooving. I finished hauling things from my closet outside and into the garage, as well as sorting and filing and making a rather large pile of things to donate to Good-Will. :) Tomorrow I'm going to wake up early and make it to the BootCamp class at the Y at 9:15am. Then I'll get some logistical things done at the house before I head back to the Y at 6:45 with Jenna for HIP HOP HUSSLE! :D

Pre-Training

This, ladies and gents, will be my own personal bootcamp journal. At least, it'll be something that will keep me honest. I'm serious about this losing weight business, and so in order to do that I'm making myself accountable. And also, if y'all will help, you can read this and call me out on things you think need improvement. Or even better, offer encouragement.

It'll be a travel through the summer. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to post my weight, as well as a "before" picture. (Cringe)

HOPEFULLY by the end of the summer, the picture will have changed drastically.

I'll update daily (or as close to as possible) with a food journal entry, as well as what my workout deal has been for the day.