No thanks, Grandma. I'm fine on the pie/cookies/candy/etc. Really, I promise.
I'm ready for the school year to start. I want to get back on track. I want to be one of those girls again that holds myself accountable. I really need to find someone that will ride my ass about going to the gym and getting in my cardio. Cheerleaders are fantastic, but sometimes I need that person to call me out. "Hey, you ate like a cow yesterday. Go to the gym. Yes, I know you hate me right now, but you'll feel better afterwards."
I'll admit, while a lot of this weight loss/health change was because I wanted to do it for myself, somewhere deep down too I think I was doing it to prove to people like Daniel and Ryan and Josh and Paul and ANYone else that has found my expendable that I still have something worth being on the market. Even if they don't like me, even if they've sort of used me up, chewed me up and spit me back out, I still have something to walk down the street and be confident about. I want that confidence in myself and how I look. I want people to do a double take so I can feel like I've actually ACCOMPLISHED something. I've never been the whistled at kind of girl. I want to be that girl -- and I want people to realize that I'm something worth regretting -- both in personality AND looks.
I know that's a tough order to fill. I know it sounds like I'm looking for some guy to validate that I look good (enter tongue click, wink and head nod here), but in my mind while they may be connected, they're not synonymous. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else. I want to feel comfortable in my skin, and I still don't. When I felt the best weight wise? When I was in and out of counseling, stressed, depressed and not eating. I was 155ish. Now, I want to get to that weight again, but I do NOT want to get there in the same fashion. I can't do that to myself and I'm convinced that's part of why I gained weight senior year so quickly and easily.
It's hard not to get discouraged when I see people like my grand-big, Hamilton that can be so "christian-like" about what they eat and get AMAZING results. But being in school...being a student doesn't so much allow for that ease. My apartment is dark and I live alone and it's easy as all get out to just make macaroni and cheese instead of a salad.
Come new years I'm going to need a lot of help. A. LOT. If anyone can find easy (CHEAP recipes) for college kids, feel free to pass them along. I'm gonna go to Earth Fare when I'm back in Auburn and stock up on the fresh stuff (maybe I'll start scheduling a weekly grocery trip instead of "one and done" for the month), and I've talked to Jill about trying to do a juicing diet for a few days to do a detox of all the nasty nasties in my body.
A few years ago for Lent I only ate things that were growing -- fresh veggies, whole wheat if I had bread, if it was meat it was pan seared and that's it. I lost 10-15lbs in 40 days. I think I can do it again, if I have people giving me tough love.
At least, through all this eating, I still went to the gym and ran/walked for 30 minutes/2+ miles. With a cold. I should have done more, but at least it's not doing nothing.
Also, I bought a jumprope.
//sigh//
I can't begin to explain how discouraged I am right now.
Hey Amy! Trust me when I say I FEEL YOUR PAIN. I think it was the December before I started the MTPC program at AU (so I guess, Dec 2008) that I was 185 pounds. On my 5'1 frame, not so cute.
ReplyDeleteTwo years later (zohmigod it's been two years), I'm down to about 140, which is still not where I'd like to be and actually a few pounds heavier than I started the school year. But it's better than 185, that's fadamnsure.
I tell you this not to depress you, but to encourage you to KEEP IT UP NO MATTER WHAT! It took me TWO YEARS (holy cow I still can't believe it's been two years) to lose forty-five pounds, and that included a lot of great week-shitty week cycles. I'd do awesome for a few weeks, I'd be ON TOP of my exercise schedule, I'd drop several pounds, and then the next week I'd eat out every night and gain a couple back.
It's ridiculously hard to lose weight, but the one thing I've learned is to just keep at it. Eventually you'll get there. And don't give yourself a hard time for giving yourself a hard time. My journey has included a great number of self-inflicted guilt trips. It's a part of the process, I think.
And also, I totally understand about the "I don't need guys to validate me but it'd sure feel nice if somebody whistled" feeling. I. Defintely. Get it. :)
Thanks, girl! I'm glad that you can see where I'm coming from. I definitely keep up with your running, too. Not going to lie that you inspire me when I see how much you've been running. I hope one day I can get down to your weight!! Thanks for the encouragement -- you're amazing. :)
ReplyDeleteYou need to get in the habit of writing down everything you eat. I mean everything. This will show you how much you are eating rather than how much you think you are and the types of food.
ReplyDeleteA big help is cutting out any drinks that are not water. (coffee and tea are fine as long as it is JUST coffee or tea, nothing added) It isnt very fun but it tends to cut out a lot of empty calories too.
As far as the "detox" goes I watched a show on them before and found it pretty interesting. They had several women go on a detox diet and the others ate whatever they wanted. They did some blood work and what not before and after. Both groups showed no difference in results. Do a detox if it makes you feel better but your body is designed to get rid of the nasties already.
You are a pretty girl already and I am sure you get some double takes and just never notice. One thing that will help just about anyone it making sure they carry themselves well. If you walk upright and smile and enjoy life then you will look and feel better than those that walk slouched and unhappy.
Could you do better than you are now? Sure. Are you doing bad right now? Nope. You have all the tools around you that you need. Just pick them up and use them. M and I cant do much for you but cheer you on since we are not in the same area. You are strong enough to do this on your own though! Dont worry about having someone else ride you for eating bad. Fix the habits and get a little extra willpower :-)
You can do it! :-D
Thanks, Dauge! You and Michelle have been a HUGE help through all of this. I'm really going to try to start over with the counting and writing down everything I eat deal. Literally starting on the 1st. So what, two days? It'll be tough, carrying around that book all the time, but you're right, I think it will be worth it.
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty good on the water thing right now, though I do have the occasional glass of milk. The REALLY hard thing will be the sweet tea. :(
Well you could just drink regular tea :-)
ReplyDeleteI still have milk with a few things. (cereal and other breakfast things) I have moved to skim milk though. The only time we buy whole or 2% is if a recipe NEEDS it. (puddings and a few other things)
Writing things down can be pretty tough. The good thing is that if you eat the same items over and over you can start to know the cal count off the top of your head! I am not that good at it so I just put it all on the computer now. It is smarter than I am :-)